When this whole thing began I was devastated…
I was lost… Everything I had was ripped away from me and it was hard to deal with on a personal and emotional level. I spent the better part of a decade being made to feel inferior, no matter what I did to appease, no matter what I did to create something better. I was never good enough, never had enough money, never had a good job, never had the right looks. I tried, I really did. I tried to do the right things, tried to make you happy but the truth was I just couldn’t. I know that now. I also now know I was good enough, all those things you held over my head, all those times you made me feel worthless I realize it was my fault and not yours. I let you do that to me, I made the decision to accept those statements as truths. I had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out if who I was. I had spent so much of my time believing that what I was, was indeed something not worthy. Not worthy of love, not worthy of compassion. Again these were my burdens to bear. You may have said the things you did but I believed them. You claimed there was anger and you were right, there was anger. Anger at myself. I was truly lost. Then something occurred to me that never had before…why? Why did I have to be poor? Why did I have to believe those falsities you programmed into me? Why did I have to feel unworthy? What had I done that had precluded me from true and real happiness? The answers were all the same… I didn’t! So, I reinvented myself, made promises to take risks, to love uncontrollably and be loved back in the same manner. I reconnected with people you had made me fear. I reconnected with myself. What I found was truly spectacular! I was smart, dedicated, determined and hardened. There was nothing to keep me from being where I wanted to be…well except for myself. I struck emotional gold. This shadow of a thousand insults hurled at my soul no longer penetrated my mind, no longer were allowed in. I had spent the better part of 15 years fighting for me, then I met you and I gave up. I accepted the shadow as my friend, believed it. Allowed it to shape me and my mindset. This had to end… I needed emotional salvation. I searched for it in religion, in my past, and in myself. It was not there, and no matter how much I longed for it to be my salvation eluded me. Until… My children, they were my salvation. They made me whole, changed my mindset. Here in front of me were two people who needed me. That thought, although always there had pushed itself into the forefront of my mind. I dedicated every moment of every day and night to them, to loving them, protecting them. Now, in your intense hatred for me and an attempt to belittle and discredit me you are hurling shadows again. Dancing in half-truths and fabrications of your mind in an attempt to reconcile with children that I have always left open to receive your love. Regardless of what you have done to me. The truth is I want both of these children to have a relationship with you. Even though I think you are a toxic person in general I find it important for them to spend time with you and be loved by you. I know you think in your mind what you are doing is right and just, but I can promise you it really isn’t. I can tell when our oldest son talks to me about the near future and what it might bring, not his disdain for you but rather his worry about your mindset. It isn’t fear that forces your mother’s voice to waiver, it’s the worry she is overwhelmed with in your attempts to sling mud in an effort to attain what you want. There was a moment not long ago where I believed you were a different person than you were before, that the anger and hatred you had for me dissipated into an understanding that I had taken this role as full-time father to heart. Where is that person? There was a moment where when speaking to you I no longer felt not good enough, no longer felt unworthy of your presence. I was able to undo close to a decade of emotional abuse in less than 12 months. I realize now we were never truly in love and most of the decisions we made were made out of necessity to give our children a life we felt they deserved. Now that life is a possibility, but since you aren’t a major star in it you are intent on destroying it? Why? I asked myself that very question. I came up with a few answers and although all of them are fair and possible, I cannot believe them because I know you do not. Jealousy, Selfishness? Today is February 9, 2016. It is your one-year anniversary to your new husband and new life. For that I am happy you have found these things. However, it is also the one-year anniversary of the total destruction of our oldest son’s belief in you as a mother. He’s obsessing over whether you are celebrating or worrying about him. The reason is simple; tomorrow is his birthday. A big birthday for him as well as he will be twelve years old. With every ounce of my being I am hoping, no…praying this will occur to you and make you realize how damaged he truly is. I haven’t had to brainwash him; you’ve done a fine job of doing that on your own. His personal feelings for you are not a reflection of my words, thoughts or opinions of you. His feelings are based on a pattern of ignorance, ignorance to his feelings, his wants, his desires. His personal feelings have been shaped by your own vile venom, spewed to try and create a rift between us, by your absence during his times of need, by your need to be in the spotlight and refusing to play the role you must as a parent...support. Ignorant to what is best for him, ignorant to the man he is growing up to be. I ask, where is that moment? Where is the person who said “I just want him to be happy?”, do you think he will ever be happy if this is how his life unfolds? Do you think you will gain some kind of edge over his already formed opinions and feelings? Like me he is steadfast in his beliefs and if anything you will only cause more resentment then love. So I want to leave you with this; There was a moment where you were a mother first. There was a moment where you thought of him and our youngest son over yourself. There was a moment where we were able to co-exist and mold these two children into people. There was a moment where you did the right thing. There can still be that moment… Last night I had the worst dream of my life. The kind of dream that you wake up from and it feels like it isn't over. My heart was pounding and I could barely catch my breath. I've had nightmares before, hell...I've had night terrors where I thought I was dying just to wake up covered in sweat and on the verge of tears. This time it was different. I lost the most important things in my life, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Which got me to thinking. How many of you have lost the most important things? How many are still in the process of losing them? How many have given up hope? Let's start with what the most important things are. They aren't material items, nothing that can be replaced with an exact match to the item. For many of us the most important things are the people we share our lives with. You can read this and lie if you want. You'll only be fooling yourself. Do you know how I know? At the end of your life, when you are laying there knowing your final breath is only moments away. Do you want to turn your head and see your new car? Your huge bank account? Your house? If you said yes then I truly feel sorry for you. Me? I want to see the people who mean something, I want to hold the one I love one last time, I want to squeeze my children. I want to cry for them so they don't have too. I know this may seem sad or somber in nature but the truth is this...Did you treat those people like they are the most important things in your life today? Yesterday? For most of us the answer is no, I know I have been guilty of this myself. The frustrations from the day to day overshadow what is important and it gets ignored. Playing catch with your children, a simple hug...a smile. It occurs to me that even as I write this it could be the last thing I ever do on this earth. So I have adopted the following rules to live by, feel free to take these and use them yourself. RULE #1 NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY Just don't do it. Apologize, do whatever you have to do to make peace. It makes no sense to harbor animosity. RULE #2 BE HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS Don't hesitate, don't be afraid. Say "I love you". Say it when you're happy, mad or sad. Never hesitate to tell those people what they mean no matter what. RULE #3 ALWAYS GIVE HUGS I know, sounds corny, but trust me a hug drastically underrated. Think about the first time you hugged that person. RULE #4 REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME Remember the first time you saw that person, the first hug, the first kiss, the first time they made you smile or laugh. RULE #5 LIVE TODAY REGRET FREE Say what needs to be said today, do what needs to be done today, be who you want to be today. Tomorrow is never promised. RULE #6 NEVER STOP BEING OPEN TO LOVE Stay open, no matter how many times you've been hurt or hurt others. There is always someone there to love you back if you're open to it. Let me leave you with one final thought, I truly believe that this life is only restricted by the walls and obstacles we refuse to overcome. I've accomplished so much with just stubborn determination, whenever I feel like I can't do something. I just remember how far I've come and ask myself "are you done?". The answer is always no. What's your answer? So here I am at 2 AM reading article after article of just plain bullshit. Testimony of this woman claiming this or this guy being accused of that. I'm fucking tired of it. So here we go, the silence has been lifted and I am in full rant mode. Guys doing the right things; Keep doing what you're doing. Good job...great. Taking care of your children...awesome. I just wanted to take a minute before I continued to simply say...Atta boy. You're doing a great job and if you don't think so then simply look around and see what you have accomplished. Your home, career, kids, spouse or significant other. You are paying your bills and keeping your nose clean but still have time to sneak off to the guy’s night poker game or just hanging out in a bar. FUCKING GREAT! Drink one for me you deserve it... I said "for me"...not "on me". I'm not made of money, hopefully I didn't get your hopes up. Do me a solid favor though...stop reading now, because it only gets worse from here. Guys not doing the right things; I'll be straight with you, I kind of hate you. So much so that I hope someone punches you in the throat with a roll of quarters in their hands. Seriously, I have been asked this question which makes me want to go nuclear on the next mother fucker who asks me. "How can I get out of my child support?" Here's how...do the whole world a favor and fucking die. I know that seems harsh. Let's be real though, if you’re asking this question out loud or even in your own mind, then you are probably the biggest piece of shit on earth. IT'S CHILD SUPPORT! It's there to ...support...your...CHILD you half breed mongoloid. PAY IT! And then ask if they need more. If your ex is so cold and heartless that she is using the money to buy jewelry or other dumb ass shit then fine take the shit to court. In the meantime however, shut the fuck up and do what needs to be done, are you a man or a whining little fuck-tard. I would write women doing the right thing here but there's no point women doing the right thing probably aren't reading this. If you are however, good for you, keep doing your thing, and next time...choose wisely. There are a ton of nice guys out there who have been screwed in the past, open your mind not your legs and I promise you'll be surprised. Women doing the wrong things; Jesus, lord help me. I'm talking about straight up bitches, which is not a word I actually like associating with the female gender at all. STOP! Seriously you're a grown ass woman, start acting like one. Your ex is an asshole...fine OK guess what that mother fucker is your ex, now leave your goddamn kids out of it. He's got a right to see and spend time with his children regardless of how much of a dick head you may think he is. I'll be honest though I'm tired of reading transcripts about woman claiming they have been abused when it's clear they are using the system as a crutch. Now look, you put a hand on a woman for no good reason you better look over your shoulder every now and then because some guy like me is going to break the home run record on your head. We need to clarify though...should you hit a woman...no. Can I see a situation where it may be the only option...absolutely. I'll give you an example...The woman on the subway in New York I believe in September or October of 2014, you cannot instigate a fight and then hide behind being a woman. Another example Jodi Arias, if ever a woman needed to be slapped into the right frame of mind it was that looney ass chick. Anyway got off topic, ladies just please fucking stop, and here's why. You’re mucking the system up for the women who actually need help. When I was a kid I watched my own father beat the ever loving shit out of my mother on a nightly basis, then turn his attention to me. She needed help. So ladies, moving forward...Rule of thumb don't start any shit you don't plan on paying for. Finally, a note to all readers. I'm a good person, somewhere deep down inside where I'm afraid to venture. My point is that these are opinions, rather they are my opinions and are meant to be thought provoking and at times comical. On a much more serious note though I think we all have a duty to our own children to provide the best life we can to them and to keep their imaginations active. Their lives stress free, their hearts warm and open and their dispositions and outlooks sunny. Don't let your children grow up to be like you, make them want to be better. My oldest son turned eleven this year and I looked at his life and realized how much of my own shit I have injected into it. His own irrational thoughts and fears that have succumbed to years of my poor influences and it makes me think. What can I do to make every second, every minute better for him from this point forward? Anyone born from 1970-1985 knows what I am talking about here. If you were born after 1988 then do us all a favor and get the fuck out of here. The 90s were the best and I'm about to tell you why. First lets just start with the culture and social aspect of it all, being in school in the 90s meant you listened to decent music, wore decent clothes and said things like "sike" and "cowabunga" and "eat my shorts". Being a nineties kid meant going outside, street hockey and roller blades. Movies, music, TV and society was just better overall. So here it is the real top ten list of why the nineties were better. #10 Facebook didn't exist! Yeah that's right I said it. Facebook didn't exist and we fucking survived. We had no idea what anyone was eating for dinner, how many fucking miles they ran or the last time anyone checked into a fucking Red Robin. Life was simple, when you came home you didn't see your friends or what they were doing until the next time you saw them, and life was fucking easy! We weren't overly concerned about stupid shit and we were able to just live our fucking lives. Facebook has ruined society, we spend more time messaging our friends then actually seeing them, we tag, tweet, facetime, check-in, skype, like, snapchat, and probably another fucking useless thing by the time I finish typing this sentence. My point is we had privacy. The world didn't know what you were doing all the time and guess what they didn't give a damn. Granted I will probably post this on Facebook so go ahead and call me a hypocrite, but I'm just a lemming being led to the cliff's edge. #9 Cellphones didn't exist! Okay maybe they did but you know what they did? call people, that's it, that's all they could do. If you were super lucky you had this little device you wore on your belt loop called a "pager" which was essentially just a portable caller ID. The reason this is so good is simple, it goes back to number 10, you had some fucking privacy. If you weren't home and someone had to get in touch with you, they had to wait until you came home and checked your...wait for it...answering machine. Now if you are some sort of complete and total nimrod that skipped the beginning of this let me tell you what an answering machine was so you can leave with just a little more knowledge. An answering machine was a device you plugged your phone into, it normally had a cassette tape in it....oh wait...you don't know what a cassette tape is? Jesus Fucking Christ...you know what I give up!!! Cellphones...okay yeah so...I'm done I've made my point... #8 Cassette tapes existed! So after number 9 I figured I should explain this. A cassette tape was a little box with a thin roll of film inside of it. It was about 3"x2 1/2" and had two holes like eyes in the middle. Now that I have described it to you let me tell you why this has to be here... A cassette tape worked simply by choosing another tape or radio station and inserting your tape into the stereo...you could record your favorite songs. There are literally movies made about this and it's fucking epic! You could make a tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend declaring your feelings, record your own workout mix, or even voice over songs. Oh and the best part... a brand new release on cassette...like $5...yeah for an entire album. This mp3 bullshit is ridiculous, $1.75 per song what the fuck is wrong with us??? #7 Gas prices were under $1.25 per gallon Yeah gas prices were less then $2, in fact in 1999 when I first got my license gas prices here in Maryland were $0.98 per gallon. Yes Mother fuckers that's a fucking zero in front. Yeah I could fill my tank, buy a sandwich and soda and a pack of cigarettes for $20. Inflation and greed are bitches...these companies now just fucking wake up and make the prices up as they go with no real reason for them to fluctuate as much as they do. Here's a crazy calculation for you...today if you were to buy an economy car and drive across country from Baltimore, MD to Los Angeles, CA you would average 30 miles to the gallon at $2.19 a gallon, that trip would cost you $200 just in gasoline, that same trip in 1999? $82 in gasoline! That's more then double...fuck this I'm going back ASAP!!! #6 The worst things kids did was drink and smoke cigarettes. Now let's not crucify me yet, drinking and smoking are bad things if your underage, but when you compare that to school shootings and all the garbage that happens now...it's pretty vanilla. In the entire decade of the 90s there were 47 school shootings resulting in 84 deaths and 122 injuries. In the last decade? 149 school shootings resulting in 181 deaths and 266 injuries!!! That's an overall increase of 250%!!! What the fuck! Is there like a new gun store I haven't been made aware of yet? GUNS 'R' US??? I'm glad all I ever did was smoke and drink! #5 Selfies weren't a thing! Thank god! Seriously these duck-faced underage slags posting pictures of themselves almost naked hoping to be the next big thing. Has anyone told these girls this shit is forever? As much crap as Obama had to deal with in order to become president, can you imagine how it will be in another 40 years? People, no scratch that, kids today take pictures and videos of just about everything. It's absolutely ridiculous the amount of garbage that is on the internet now, and it only gets bigger as each day goes by. Do us all a favor, put the camera down and pick-up a fucking book. Trust me it will get you further in life. #4 Movies Yeah the special effects weren't great, but movies weren't recycled garbage that some bored Hollywood producer decides to green light just because he/she thinks it will make money. Movies of the nineties like Titanic, Ghost, Armageddon, Jurassic Park, Die Hard and Terminator...all different concepts, different genres and all in all movies that had character and depth...I don't care what you say, Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon or Swayze in Ghost got the rivers flowing. In the last decade...Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. Movies about basically nothing, sequels and pointless non ending scripts with no value that run on and on and on just to make more money. Nothing of value, nothing of character. Movies were just better then because they knew how to meld the existing world with that of fantasy, without going to overboard with special effects. #3 Music This goes without saying, before you argue with why this isn't number one I will soon explain. For any half breed moron who wants to argue that '90s music sucks I promise you that after this explanation your mind will be changed. In the nineties we had Bryan Adams, REM, Madonna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, The Black Crowes, Boyz II Men, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots. They wrote songs about love, loss and life. Now we have Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, Chris Brown, Fergie among other talentless hacks, they fill their droll albums with garbage about sex, money, dancing in clubs and sexual taboo that basically has no real point, a fucking chimpanzee could accomplish their awful music and meaningless lyrics. Music in the nineties was about real life, things we could all relate to and felt. Now we are force fed music that only the morons who produce it could relate to...being rich, lazy and pretentious. #2 Nintendo Sure Playstation and Xbox have changed our ways of life, the ability to play online with your friends who live miles, states and even countries away like they were in the same room. Nintendo started it all, I know, I know what about Atari? Yes Atari was already there but Nintendo introduced us to our first real video game characters...Mario and Luigi. everyone from the '90s remembers the day they got their Nintendo, that gray box with two buttons on the front that had controllers that actually plugged in and had four buttons plus a directional pad. The system also came with an orange gun and the system came with two basic games, Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt. I don't know about you but I stayed up and tried to beat the game every chance I had. Nintendo was the shit and if you had it you knew it. #1 Bill Clinton Yeah this is number one and not just for the regular reasons. Sure Clinton eliminated a huge deficit as President of the United States, he cleaned up Bush's whole Gulf War fiasco. He helped to create an economy that allowed home ownership to become a possibility for almost everyone. He played the saxophone at his events. The biggest reason he is number one? Bill Clinton cheated on his wife with a fat ugly intern, went on National Television and denied it...twice. Then admitted he did it and that he lied about it and...not only did he get reelected, but he actually became more popular. In fact so popular that his wife, who has forgiven him, has actually become popular enough to run for President as well. I mean this guy is amazing the craziest numbers...in 1992 when he was first elected he received 41% of married women votes, after he cheated and ran for reelection in 1996 he received 63% of the married women votes. Married women as a whole voted for him increased by over 20 percent because he cheated and lied about it. Name one other person who becomes more popular with women for lying and cheating, and I'll show you the next most popular President ever. We all need a little truth in our lives, so here we go.
Yesterday I celebrated the eleventh birthday of my oldest son, a time in his life that is naturally confusing. He wants so desperately to be a grown-up, but still loves being a kid. He dreams big about driving and having a job, but fails to do the simple things like make his bed or clean his room. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining about him in any way shape or form, but isn't it ironic that we as adults envy children for the ability to have almost no "real" responsibilities when we have the weight of the world on our shoulders at all time? Meanwhile they envy us that we are able to drive or watch Rated "R" movies, not realizing that the cost associated with those things is something we would almost definitely give up in order to enjoy the freedoms provided to them. Time to laugh, time to play, time to relax. We live in a world that has basically given us too much information too often. I'm sorry but explain to me why you need to know what your friend half-way across the country ate for dinner? Why the fuck is that important? I'm not envious of the distractions that are presented to our youths right now, but their ignorance that is being coddled by their parents is fucking insane! I had a conversation with my oldest son where I asked him what he wanted for his birthday...his first request? A cell-phone! I get it, okay? I do. But it occurred to me, What the fuck is an eleven year old going to do with a cell phone? Who the fuck does he know? Who will he call? I have one and frankly...I fucking hate my dependency on it. Remember when they weren't there? Do you remember when you left your house and all you needed was your wallet and keys? If someone wanted to get in touch with you...they had to wait! Granted this new technology has definitely helped me, I like the fact I can be reached 24/7, however, I don't want it to happen. It's a love/hate relationship. I love what it can do...but I hate it for doing it. Anyway, so I was just sitting there and thinking about it and it occurred to me I'm not so sure I like who we have become as people. Dependent on instantly being fed information, regardless of however useless it may be. I don't like the fact that since I was in high school it's now been softened. Bullying?!?! Now I don't condone bullying, and I think it's great that it's being closely monitored, but you know who should be monitoring it? Not the police, not the teachers... YOU!!! Pay attention to your kids, it's not that difficult. If your kid suddenly doesn't come out of his room for days on end and stops talking to you...THERE IS A PROBLEM. We've disconnected from our children because we want society to raise them for us. If that's you take then two quick things. Number 1: Fuck you, you're a fucking lazy asshole, Number 2: If you haven't noticed, society kind of sucks and if you let them, they will fuck your kid up. You're the parent...SO FUCKING PARENT!!! If your kid is an asshole...and don't you lie at all. We all know when or if our kid is an asshole, then correct it. How fucking weak are you if you are afraid of your kids? Cell phones? There are instances where cell phones are required, an emergency or so that your child can contact you when they need your help. My favorite excuse for giving your kids a cell phone??? "Oh, they play sports and it's so they can call when they are done"...you have got to be fucking kidding me...right? Here's an idea...GO TO THEIR FUCKING GAMES OR PRACTICES!!! Today is the last day your kid will be the age they are, tomorrow they will be older. Do you really have an excuse for missing even one day of their life? Yes of course there are, emergencies! When did we stop investigating our children to make sure they weren't doing stupid shit? I don't care. I've already told my son that I will go through his stuff until he is out of my house. Privacy??? Sorry you haven't earned that right until you move out. If I am paying for you then you aren't entitled to any privacy at all. Now I'm not naive at all. I know he's going to do stupid stuff, I did. Without an open forum to discuss things that we are all afraid of, how will our kids get the information? I'll tell you where...from some other idiot fucking kid whose parents refused to talk to him/her. SEX...not a bad word. DRUGS...not a bad word. ALCOHOL...not a bad word. FUCKING TALK TO YOUR KIDS!!! They NEED this information, and they need it from you. If they aren't talking to you it's because you made the forum awkward or uncomfortable, if you speak openly with them they will feel compelled to do the same. School is a fucking joke now and our kids know it, lessons on an iPad. Open book final exams...What are they learning? How to be incompetent? Life is short and finding out what is important is the point of this whole thing. Your job, it pays the bills, it isn't that important. there will be other jobs, other opportunities. Learn to sacrifice the unimportant things in your life, trade them up for things that truly matter. You know what's important? Not how fast Sally ran a 5k, or how Mark finger-banged some slut at a bar. Family is important, and if you're reading this odds are you have a family. They mean everything...when your time comes and you know the darkness is setting in, what will you want then? I don't know about you but I want to see my children one last time, I want to hold them and tell them how proud of them I am. I want my family to surround me in order to celebrate my life, because no matter what else I accomplish in this life, no matter how much money I make, or how many articles I write. My greatest accomplishment in this world will be them, nothing else will matter, nothing else will suffice. I will hold on until I can hold them close, feel their heartbeats, tell them I love them and go knowing that I made their lives better and in turn they will try to do the same. Those tears they shed won't be out of sadness that I'm gone, but rather sadness because they know I am no longer physically there when they need me. They will cry because they know I did absolutely everything in my power to give them the greatest gift of all...the best life I could. How can we be taken seriously in this world when we refuse to place responsibility on the shoulders of who is to blame? Better yet; How can you teach your children responsibility when the world provides them with enough excuses to never take the blame? Basic definition is quite simple. Responsibility: the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something. When we live in a world where it is common place to blame the government, or your race or religion or gender, how can you honestly expect your own children to evaluate their own actions then own up to them? If we consistently project the blame of our own actions on other people or groups, essentially we are washing our hands of the very thing that makes us human... Humanity. My oldest son is ten years old and constantly have to remind him that his actions have consequences, but when he watches television or a movie and hears that the reason a person did something is because of the music they listen to or the games they play, or even their race or religion. Of course these things effect them, however you as the parent have a responsibility to your children and the world to teach them right from wrong. Life isn't about carrying no fault, its about learning from mistakes so that you don't make them again. However if the mistakes are never owned, acknowledged, or even affirmed with a responsible party then nothing is learned. The second we give up on our ability to learn is the moment where we close our minds; and a closed mind is the most dangerous weapon the ignorant mind can carry. Refusing to take responsibility for one's actions breeds ignorance and ignorance breeds discrimination. Okay this is for all you techie guys and girls out there. We all download crap from the internet, we all save things that at one time or another seemed super important. The reality of it is that in most cases those things that held value for us end up being totally useless and simply a waste of space. Even when we decide to get rid of them we simply just put them into the recycling bin, fooling ourselves into believing its now gone forever, but it isn't. It stays there in a limbo still affecting the performance of your computer, still bogging you down due to the extra space it's taking up then could better be afforded to new things. Anyone getting the metaphor yet? Good! Life is going to make you think there are so many moments, memories, and events worth saving, worth downloading into a permanent part of your memory. The reality is that as time moves on and life continues to take you down it's path these things that at one point in time seemed so important become nothing more than items that are slowing you down. You might go ahead and decide to delete them from your mind, choose to make the effort to delete them or forget about them. The truth is...that's simply not possible. You may forget, you may forgive, but that memory is etched into your mind. Until you address it completely it will bog you down, hold you back, and dictate your life moving forward. These are real problems. I wish I could tell you I know the answer to this conundrum... I don't. I'm sorry. This is what I do know, 90% of my own arguments are based solely on a reaction to someone or something someone said. So instead of reacting I take a breath, I step outside myself and evaluate what is occurring. Not all the time. I'm sure there are and will continue to be moments where I make a total fool of myself. Where i expose my true ability to be the guy who doesn't have a filter inside his brain. I'm okay with that, because I'm still me. Remember you can never permanently delete the memories, moments, or events that occurred in your past. If you continue to allow them to effect your decisions in the present and the future you will learn very quickly you have not completely moved past them. Ever had one of those days where you just wish you could disappear? When everything seems like it's just too much; the kids, your work, the house, your finances, school work, your friends, and all your other activities just seem to compound on top of you until you feel like your head will literally explode... I had one of those days yesterday, well actually it was a compilation of the last two days. I had parking tickets, and daycare expenses, my youngest son broke my brand new phone when I turned my head just for a second. The dog is sick and possibly dying, my oldest seems to find every reason to not listen to any of the rules. I have to finish school work for myself, teach him his homeschooling courses, and still find time to write and spend time with my girlfriend, and my other son. Plus an endless amount of housework and repairs. Ont top of that I have my ex-mother-in-law coming at me about lying to her about god-only-knows-what. My ex-wife has paid about 1% of what she owes me in child support, the courts lost my paperwork that I had filed, and it all hit me like a ton of bricks...too much all at once. I broke down... I lost it... Category 10 meltdown. I'm not a wimpy guy, but I wept. It only lasted about 30 seconds before I groin-punched myself back into manhood. I'm a man and we don't cry, unless we laugh too hard. It occurred to me that I have not had a break, not been able to just self-reflect. I have denied myself the basic need of loneliness in order to digest my own stress level. My plate will never be empty, I know this. However, with all the responsibilities I have staring me down its just a matter of time before greatness emerges. Right? So I stepped away mentally for a moment, just left my own head. Walked away into the nothingness that so embodies the need to let all my problems just get sucked away. Even if it is for just a minute, sometimes that's all you need. The black hole state of mind, where everything enters and nothing leaves. Where problems dissolve into empty thoughts and you find yourself staring at a television screen, that is broadcasting some mentally numbing garbage about some ass-clown in Nebraska who just cashed in his retirement for a doomsday bunker. Fuck it! I don't care what's on TV, I just need the white background noise of this fucktard explaining why selling his motorcycle for a small arsenal of weapons that frankly, his inept and obese body couldn't possibly wield with any sort of effectiveness what-so-ever. It was then it occurred to me I hadn't thought about my problems for almost 3 hours. It was amazing, but of course the second I realized this my brain turned right back on. The point of all this is that sometimes we need those moments. Moments we can run away from ourselves, moments where our lives seem simpler. I love my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but every now and then it's nice to longer think about it. We all have problems, we all have stress, but having the ability to mentally and emotionally separate yourself from it, is truly a necessary part of life. Figure out how, we all have our ways. Mine, a large pepperoni pizza, an ice cold coke, and doomsday preppers on Netflix. Why doomsday preppers? Simply because it's nice to know that no matter how bad things seem, there is and always will be someone so incredibly less intelligent than yourself. Oh and if you're a prepper...than quite simply you should know, I spend my most stressful moments laughing my ass off at how incredibly dumb and ignorant you sound when you try to reason your idiotic notions of the Apocalypse. I apologize in advance if I stir the pot too much or piss anyone off with this one. No one in this life is going to appreciate being your best second option, and if they are there is something genuinely wrong with them. The reality in this life may suck at times, life may consistently screw you over. If you devalue yourself or others in your life then the fact is be prepared for the worst case scenario moving forward. Why would second best ever be good enough? Quite simply it wouldn't and the notion that anyone is okay existing in that slim grey area is ridiculous not only in principle but in execution as well. Here's the biggest reason why. While they temporarily may think they are okay with that option, the fact is they will deeply and sometimes secretly want to be considerably more then that. Oh and there will be a million bullshit reasons why you will convince yourself or they will try to convince themselves on why the current situation is okay. Lucky for you I've provided a breakdown of each one that I know of. 1. I'm not ready for a relationship. This is normally the person that has either bounced from relationship to relationship, or they just got out of a long-term relationship. Let me assure you this excuse is fundamentally flawed and here's why. Being friends is a relationship, having sex with someone you plan on talking to again is a relationship, being friends with benefits is a relationship. So guess what you/they are in a goddamn relationship, just because the label of boyfriend/girlfriend isn't accepted doesn't mean a relationship doesn't exist. I understand the need for companionship but ultimately the determination of being okay with not being in the forefront of the other person's mind is nothing more then simply being used. 2. I just want to have fun. Slut. Slag. Whore. I got news for you gentlemen, these words apply to you as well. Everyone wants to have fun, but there is something truly and emotionally wrong with you if your idea of fun is being in second place. It's an integral part of our make-up, we desire to be the best. Anyone that doesn't want to be the best at whatever they are doing...is doing it wrong, or without any care or motivation. I just want to have fun too, but I value myself enough to know that decisions made now because of "fun" will ultimately end in me regretting them at some point further down the road. As I mentioned before mistakes are okay if you learn from them, but regrets will haunt you forever. 3. He/she says they love/care about me. Hey guess what? I love you. Does that really make you feel like I would drop everything for you? Do you think I would blow off my responsibilities, my kids, my work for you? No? Well you're right, I wouldn't. What people say and what people do are two different things, the faster you learn that the less likely you are to have your emotions become secondary to your tendency to be used by another human being. 4. He/she says they are leaving their husband/wife soon. This is one of my favorite excuses ever, if they ever truly intended to leave the other person...THEY WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY! Secondary only in nature not in principle is this, think about the type of human being you are working with here. They are so willing to completely disregard another person's feelings...not just any person either. This is their spouse we are talking about, someone they promised to be faithful and true to, for the rest of their lives. They are so inconsiderate of that person's feelings, what makes you think they won't do the same thing to you? 5. We have a lot of fun together. Great, if that's the only reason your hanging out with someone then stop having sex with them and see if the "fun" continues. In most cases it won't. Also how many other people are they having "fun" with? If we're being honest, men and women alike, this is fairly typical of this kind of unspoken agreement. Additionally how would they feel if you were having "fun" with other people? If they don't like that idea then it's time to reevaluate your non-relationship-relationship. 6. We're just friends. Friends don't fuck! Point blank! Guys, you are a total liar if you sit there and can tell yourself or another guy that you and her are just friends. In most cases you've thought about the idea of hooking-up or dating. Not all guys do this, I have a tone of female friends that I would never make a move on, I value other things they bring into my life; perspective, advice and support. All in all if we started thinking more about how to create better relationships with people and less about trying to convince someone to make us number one in their own lives then we would all be a lot happier. The point of this article is quite simple, creating value in yourself will carry over in how others treat you, if your okay with being second best...be prepared to be nothing more. Okay, so here goes... Too often in society we witness the eminent downfall of people who have yet had the opportunity in their life to live. We witness these downfalls on an almost daily basis with little to no regard for the human life we are ignoring. The homeless man on the corner, the beggars in the streets, the children exposed to things that are ridiculous. This whole article was triggered by events that took place in my own neighborhood last night. I witnessed something deplorable, something truly despicable an event that honestly rocked me to my core. It drove me to the point of anger and rage, it heightened my overall awareness to the acceptance of stagnant living. We question our society and our culture and demand assistance with our children, our careers, and our lives. The basic reality that I have witnessed...it's our own fault. We blame our government, private corporations, our upbringings; but the sad truth is that we are responsible for our own destinies. Acceptance of our own lives, the directions that they are moving in and where we are going are the things we must learn to not only assume control over but also embrace the ability to move in a more positive direction. So anyway...what did I see? Right? One of my neighbors is a fifteen year old boy who lives with his father, they actually live in a home with three other individuals...I use the word home lightly. Essentially its a two bedroom home that houses one adult woman and three adult men as well as a fifteen year old boy. Anyway I consistently try to tell the boy about moving on from this place, about having goals and hopes and dreams. My girlfriend and I speak to him regularly about his grades, sports, friends, work and responsibility as we grow older. All in all he is a decent kid, however his family life dynamic sucks. His dad is a good hard working guy, from what I can tell. He works hard and long hours and I agree with the fact he is entitled to a little down time. However on this night, I was disappointed not only in him as a man and a father but as a human being as well. We live in a colorful part of town, and that is in no way a reference to the race of the people who live here, but rather to the kinds of people who live here. Prostitutes, Drug dealers and addicts, blue collar workers and even people like myself and my girlfriend litter this community. It is truly a melting pot of all races, religions, economic standing, and family values. Here's the thing, when it gets dark the neighborhood changes a bit. We're exposed to hookers, drug dealers, and addicts roaming the streets at night with the expectations of catching their next fix or making a quick dollar. On this particular night their presence truly bothered me. My neighbor was outside at 10 PM, with one of his visiting family members, and a close friend. They were celebrating someone's birthday; they were up late and drinking. This is not what I had a problem with, what actually bothered me is that he allowed his fifteen year old son to hang out with three 30/40 somethings while they were out drinking on a school night for him. The trigger point came when the group was approached by a hooker, who...offered her services to the group. I hoped and prayed he would do the the right thing, but he did not. He accepted her proposition, he's a grown man and his decision is his decision, however the unfathomable part of all this is he allowed his fifteen year old son to be present and...yes, watch the events take place. It truly angers me that I witnessed something this vile and disgusting, it also bothers me that I will have to listen to backlash in regards to this article. Comments like "the government does hold people back!" and "it's not my fault." spouted from mouths of the irresponsible and utterly useless. How you expect your children to take responsibility for their own actions, how as a society can we be so willing to accept what is occurring as a normal event. Why are more people not outraged? Why do some simply watch these things occur without any comment or interjection? As a society we are so willing to condemn those in power for their actions when the fault truly lies within us. Life isn't about what others do for you, it what you can do for others. I try to instill the values of responsibility, respect, honor and integrity into my children...why do I feel like I am the only one? How is it feasibly possible for us to try and raise our children with the values of previous generations, when we refuse to take responsibility of our present situations by justifying our poor decision making ability and overall shirking of our own decisions and their repercussions. I've said it before and I will repeat myself until I go blue in the face, if it's important to you, then you will find a way. If it's not then you will find an excuse. My children will learn the value of life, the value of respect and responsibility; these are the building blocks of a fully functional and responsible adult. There will never be any hope of a better day when complacency and acceptance of the current life decisions are simply considered the "norm." |
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