Being a parent is the single most influential job you will ever have. That is the truest statement I have made today. Nothing offends me greater than someone comparing having a dog or cat to having a child, here's why... Having a pet takes work and responsibility, don't get me wrong, but no one in their right mind is going to change their lives around for a pet. Having a child literally changes your life. Being responsible for another human life is the ultimate in any and all responsibilities, I mean this person depends on you to do everything for them; feed them, change them, put them to sleep, love them. Having a pet can at times be difficult, but you can lock a pet in another room when they are aggravating you, can't do that with a child. Most of us are of sane enough mind to know that there is an epic difference in caring for a child versus a pet, however let me give you the best explanation. A pet typically will love you unconditionally as his provider, whereas your job as a provider for your children is to love them unconditionally. Being a parent to a child changes not only your life but your mindset, sanity kind of goes out of the window. You begin to worry about things that don't even make sense. I personally have had a re-occurring daytime nightmare about something irrational, like the end of the world, and I am too far from my kids to get to them in time to save them...see what I mean. A parent can lose their shit entirely based on a single repetitive word or even sound. My youngest son says "thank you" all the time, he has no idea what it means when he says it. Either he wants something or he is trying to get my attention or he wants picked up or...well the list goes on and on. I can actually feel myself getting ready to snap when I hear him in the back seat repeating "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you". My neck tightens in the back, my head begins aching and I desperately wish that in that moment I was completely deaf. Instead, I turn around, smile and say "what buddy". That's a parent for you, being able to have an insurmountable amount of pressure agitating you and being able to smile and reason your way through it. So the biggest difference between having a pet and being a parent is...please dear god if you value anything you own or that is attached to your persons never make the comparison again... Okay, hopefully I don't lose you on this one. So the other night in a drunken stupor, after listening to a woman complain about how she "can't find a good man". It occurred to me that too often we treat ourselves as paper plates. Before you wrinkle your nose and ask "what the hell is he talking about", let me explain. A paper plate seriously only has one purpose, it's designed to be used once and thrown away. When we buy paper plates they come in packs with multiple plates and normally constructed out of very cheap materials. So how do we treat ourselves like paper plates you ask? I'm glad you did; By going through relationship after meaningless relationship, we have reverted and marked ourselves as disposable, unimportant, meaningless ourselves. No one ever buys paper plates thinking "I think I will hang onto this for a while", no instead we try to find as many as we can for the cheapest price. My point if you ask now is we should all aspire to be fine china, something that takes time to pick out. Fine china carries value with it, we buy cases, stands and even plaques for it, you've never seen anyone display a paper plate before, and if you did...I'm sorry you had to see that. Fine china has so many different factors that go into choosing the perfect one; weight, size, design, color scheme, does it fit with the existing decor. The only decor a paper plate matches well with is a red solo cup and a trash bag. So if your expecting to find fine china, aka a good woman/man. Then you need to begin to treat yourself like fine china as well; don't be disposable, be valuable, don't be a bargain, be worth it, don't be short term, be infinite. If you're content being a disposable than you can't expect to find value in any relationship you enter into, regardless of if you are male or female. If you are satisfied with being a bargain than you should assume your significant other will not attempt to make you feel worth it. If you expect a lasting and meaningful relationship than stop having a short term mindset. In essence if you want to find a relationship that you are truly satisfied with...then stop being a paper plate! So there it is. I just threw out a million dollar question, it's one that I ask of myself on a routine basis. Frankly I wish the answer was easy, if you have your children full-time this is even harder. One of the questions I get asked the most often is; How soon before I start dating? Here's the thing, there is no right answer to this question, it depends on you; what you are comfortable with. I can say this, if you are dating just to avoid being alone, it's too soon. We talked before about how this is a new beginning for you, but here's the thing. If you want to date because you are uncomfortable being alone, or because your ex is now dating, or even because you want to get her out of your head...than you are not ready. New beginnings only start because something else has ended, basically what I am saying is you can't start a new life if you doing it because of your old one in any way. You need to be 100%. I'm not going to lie, sure it feels great to get back out there and throw it all around, unfortunately if you aren't ready this is going to come back to get you in the long run. Either one of two things, you'll fall way too fast, or you will become addicted to the idea that exchanging physical encounters is helping to alter your state of being down due to the split. How many people are you willing to hurt by doing this? Think about how you felt when it ended and realize that for most, I stress most because some women don't care, women are going to feel that way when they realize you just used them to satisfy only your own needs. Dating should be treated as what it is, an attempt to find someone you enjoy being around and hopefully a long term relationship. Odds are you just got out of one, so ask yourself am I ready for another long term relationship? I was told a variety of things when I asked this question; start right away, wait 3 months, 6 months, a year, or whenever you're ready. A really smart lady (no not my mother) told me that you know you are over someone when things you struggle to do now because they are a reminder cease being that. In other words when you can listen to that song, or watch that movie, or even just drive down that street without being hurtfully reminded of what once was...then and only then are you truly ready. With that being said, I made mistakes. I have dated two different women since my separation and in both cases it was a mistake on my part, one was a high school crush, and the other was a co-worker. Not that anything was wrong with either of them, but rather with me. I wasn't ready and I was too blind to know it, I gave my heart away like yesterdays newspaper, it was not pretty on either accounts. I became the very opposite of who I was, I was clingy and needy and just grrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry it makes me mad to even talk about it because honestly I was a moron, nothing says you're an idiot like saying "I love you" to someone you've been with for as short a time as I was. To save myself any further embarrassment I will openly refuse to say how long I made myself look foolish. Either way you look at it, you can learn from my mistakes, I have. Now I have been single for going on five months and I can honestly say I'm quite happy, sure I miss that feeling of knowing that I have a girlfriend, but the reality is now my life is much easier. I can focus my time and energy on my children and myself, I'm saving money too. What I do have is a group of friends I try to communicate with everyday, and honestly most of them are women who have their own children. Not that I did it on purpose but I can more easily relate to them because they are not only aware of but also experiencing the same issues I am. It's this communication that keeps me sane, it makes me not even really think about dating at all, in fact anytime I get lonely I shoot someone a text or instant message and those feelings melt away into the conversations I'm having. I like to joke around and say I have dozens of girlfriends, because in the end I do. I'm not dating any of them but we talk in most cases daily, whether it's about kids, or work, or even everyday life. Having that support system has kept me fairly straight and that network of people having my back has kept me sane in what can only be described as a crazy single dad world. Just remember that love is one of the most honest and genuine emotions we have, mainly because it contributes to so many other emotions; happiness, sadness, anger. If we are not careful on who we give it to it becomes devalued even in our own minds. So the answer to that question...quite simply is, there is no answer. The only thing I can say is this; if you focus on being happy alone and loving yourself, than being happy with someone and loving them will come to you in a more natural way. When was the last time you did something for your kids that you didn't want to do? Everyday? Once a week? As parents we make an endless amount of sacrifices for our children, we lose sleep, we work overtime for Christmas and birthday presents, we put our own social life on the back burner for them. Most of this they will never know about until they are much older, but occasionally something will trigger one of the best feelings in the world inside your heart. My oldest son pictured here in the blue shirt, he does a lot, and I rely on him a lot more than I probably should in some cases. He babysits while I write or do homework, he does chores and in most cases doesn't complain too much about them either. So I try to find small ways to reward him, we have family game night, or play video games together. We have traditions that started after the divorce was finalized and I love these traditions. Our bi-weekly hikes where we wake up a little later than usual on a Saturday or Sunday morning and go to the local state park. We walk the park a total of about three and half miles, I lie to him and tell him it's only one mile every time. I think he knows I'm lying but just goes along with it, because we spend that time talking, we talk about everything and nothing all at once while we wander around the park taking it all in together. The baby in the stroller, a bag of trail mix on hand plus drinks...I'm fully prepared for whatever whining may occur and ready to shut it down before it even starts. My oldest son tells me the most random things on this hike. He talks and talks; about his friends, school, his favorite foods (which change every week), his favorite video games. He asks me questions sometimes more profound than what I expect, he asks me about finding a new wife, or at least a girlfriend. The point is that we have that moment together and our children crave our attention on an almost necessary level, they need that reinforcement that you are there, that you care, and that you still love them. Another tradition we have is a just the two of us activity, every Tuesday night at 4pm we go to a fast food chicken chain, that offers a family night. We originally started going after I bumped into a friend from elementary school, and her and her husband invited us along. These friends have three children of their own and their oldest and mine get along very well. So even though this is an activity for us to do together, I more do it for him. There is always a theme at these things and tonight was no different, reptile night! A couple of guys brought some snakes and turtles and lizards in for the kids to see, touch and hold. Let me just state for the record...I am terrified of snakes, I wish I knew why, but no scary story, no haunting memory, they just give me the creeps. My son and his friend talk and I listen, they talk about girls, and teachers, video games and sports, I know this means a lot to him and I'm happy to do it because I realized it doesn't matter how successful I am in anything else. I want my son to look back on his childhood when he's older and say..."My dad was a great guy". I want to be there for him when he's hurt physically or emotionally and I want him to trust being able to come to me with whatever issue he is facing. The moment I am really talking about though happened before Christmas day, and it only occurred to me today because my son brought it up earlier tonight. It was December 14, 2013 it had snowed earlier in the week and I told my son I wanted to take him somewhere special. Every year there is a small street in Baltimore city that over does it with the decorations, if you live here you know what I am talking about. It's quite the spectacle. So I figured we would make a night of it, stop at the convenience store bought some junk food and drinks and off we went. I drove up and down the street twice letting my son's face reflect onto the lights and I remember thinking about how magical this must have been for him. When we were done he wasn't quite ready to go home yet so we made another stop, I showed him the office building I worked in and we drove through the downtown inner harbor. We talked and laughed, we looked at buildings I had seen hundreds of times but it was all new to him, when the night was over we went home. He was asleep before we even pulled into our neighborhood, I carried him into the house and put him in bed than went to sleep myself. The reason I bring it up tonight, is because today my son looked up at me, cocked his head to the side and asked me if I remembered that night. I told him that I did, to which he responded, "that was the most fun night ever". We didn't really do anything special in my eyes, I didn't buy him some big expensive gift. He had the most fun night of his young life just spending time with me and essentially doing nothing. Our children value our time more than we could ever begin to imagine, it's amazing we place so much happiness in our possessions, career, house, car, clothes or vacations. When our children are the ones who truly understand what a real gift is, the gift of our time, love and attention will ring for eternity in their minds. There is no doubt in my mind now that years from now when he is telling stories to his own children, that night will come up...that makes everything worth it. Bobby Boss Jr April 8, 1991-May 25, 2014 I’ll try to do this without getting emotional; So yesterday I went to the funeral of a friend, he was young, too young. Only 22 years old. He was a newer friend; actually I just met him for the first time when I first was separated from my ex-wife. Honestly I have to say he was one of the best human beings I have ever had the privilege to meet in my life. I’ve always avoided funerals, viewings and wakes but I felt compelled to go to this one for one reason, this man had the courage to wake up every day and live his life knowing he was carrying this thing with him that could kill him at any time. If he had the courage to do that than the least I could do was face him and pay my respects. I went to the viewing with some mutual friends, in fact all of us played on the same 9 ball pool league team together. I watched his mother fall apart and began to wonder about my own children, how would I react to their untimely end? I’m not sure I could deal with something so life altering, I’m sure if I was forced to I would somehow manage but I know I’d be angry and resentful. Facing death head on, is a terrifying venture, especially when it is someone who you hold so very near and dear to your heart like a child. This guy, I mean he did everything, no one could tell him no. With half the tools the rest of us take for granted he accomplished more than any expected, a great athlete, a great human being. I stood there next to my friends and listened to family and friends talk about him, how courageous he was, how he faced every challenge head on and never thought life wasn’t fair. I think we take too many things for granted, because even I never realized how bad things were for him until I began listening to those stories. I had the outstanding privilege to say I knew this man, watched him rise up against the giants that were facing him down and ignore their very existence. I can honestly say I never heard a single complaint from him, he never requested pity or help, he was aware of his own ability to succeed. I took from this whole thing quite a few eye opening truths; life is short for us all, the people around us are there because they love and care about us whether we are aware of it or not, we can accomplish so much more than anyone truly believes if we have that belief in ourselves, and that regardless of how your time ends, if you live a good and pure life, then that is how you will be remembered. Our tomorrows are never guaranteed, however most of us treat them as such, putting things off or believing that waiting is the best option. We need to embrace each day and the people around us, share our truest feelings with them. To those who read this and know to whom I am speaking about you know all these things to be true about him; he was more than a friend even though I only knew him briefly. He was a hero; he showed the courage to live, the will to fight, and an internal light that refused to be diminished. To me courage is defined by our actions not our words, his courage shown through by simply living his life, having friends, and acting like nothing was really going on. I believe in my heart and soul there is a special place in heaven for those who fought the fight not for themselves but for those around them. After listening to the stories from family members, friends and loved ones alike, I now know his fight wasn’t for his own life. He fought to make us all better, he fought to show some things are worth fighting for, he fought to share his endless supply of love and caring with everyone he ever met. He fought for all of us, to prove to us that some things are truly worth fighting for, he fought humbly, courageously, and with a valiant spirit we could only hope to achieve. For your passing I wept, as did many of us, but we wept not because we felt pity or sorrow, but rather because we knew our lives would not be the same. There will always be a void in us all, that’s your place in all of our hearts. The only regret I can honestly say I have is that I never spoke these words directly to you, but I know you hear them now. My heart; although heavy with your passing is filled with joy in the fact you will no longer feel pain, no longer carry any kind of fear. You my friend will always hold a special place in everyone’s heart that ever had the pleasure of meeting you, teachers, friends, family, and this community as a whole. We can only hope, to one day meet you again in another place. OMG, LOL, TTYL...WTF Okay seriously we need to address this issue right here, right now. I swear on everything that is sacred, holy and valuable in my life, if I see one more parent ignoring their child's very existence in order to post a "selfie", respond to a text or create a status update...I'm seriously going to give up on humanity. Now before I go any further I am just as guilty of this as the next everyday, law abiding citizen. So I am not judging anyone just making a broad statement that even I am going to try and start following... Today on two separate occasions I literally witnessed two near death experiences because of a stupid cell phone, I know, I know. "Rob cell phones don't kill people, people kill people". Hey we get it so here it is. This morning on my way to drop my youngest son off at daycare I watched a women make a right turn, pull out of traffic directly in front of me, and go right into oncoming traffic before she quickly swerved to recover. She put an oncoming car in harm's way, which I it drove past me I looked over and saw at least three people in the vehicle. She put myself and my youngest son in harm's way as well, so the potential body count is at 5 now for anyone who is counting. At a red light I caught up to her and pulled next to her, as I glance over still trying to recover from the mild stroke she just gave me I witnessed her playing with her cell phone. I then proceeded to look in her back seat, where I saw two little girls bouncing around like hamsters on a sugar high. So we are now at 8, eight potential dead people because you had to respond to Emily's fucking selfie or whatever. Okay so that is one near death experience. The second one didn't happen that much later on, after going to the store to pick a few things up I was walking through the parking lot when I noticed a teenager walking in the row next to me. I noticed him mainly because my first thought was "shouldn't he be in school". He had his headphones in and was playing with his phone. At this point shockingly because we were in a parking lot, you know...where people park...er, um...THEIR CARS! Anyway a vehicle was driving towards the self absorbed teen and tried to whip into an empty spot like it was the last one left. By the way today was Tuesday and this is around 10 am...so in other words...plenty of empty spaces. By whipping into the lot this vehicle barely missed turning this kid into a speed bump, of course the kid got upset started yelling. Two women than proceed to exit the vehicle and both of them are either talking on or playing on their phones, and the best part...the driver begins yelling at the kid that HE should pay attention. Sorry lady but in the realm of attention paying I think the 120lb kid is not required to look out for your 2,000 pound machine! So that was the second near death experience, so basically this morning I watched eleven people, or the equivalent of an NFL team starting offense roster almost lose their lives because their cell phones were the most important thing in the world. Here's the thing, I know how entertaining it is. Trust me I have heard plenty of comments about removing my face from the phone screen. Our overall lack of attention paid while on them is the thing that gets me...I guess this is why having one in your hand while driving is illegal. Bigger picture...what are you missing in your life on a daily basis because your stuck glued to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any of these other sites? When is the last time you saw a sunset and not taken a picture of it to share? When is the last time you actually talked to your friends and not just emailed or instant messaged them? I posted a video on the homepage today that I found quite powerful...I hope when you get done reading this you go check it out. We are missing our lives guys! We are so infatuated with this idea of social media that we in turn have become anti-social. It amazes me when I get a friend request on Facebook and than message the person and their response is almost like I just offered them their choice of STDs. If you didn't want to talk to me than why are we now friends? Why would you be interested in my life when the idea of a conversation to you is such a foreign thing that it makes you shrivel your face and turn up your nose? The reality, put your FUCKING PHONE DOWN! I using this language to get through to you, because the only thing better then vulgarity is sexually explicit...but I don't think you'd get where I was coming from if I inserted a scene from a pornography, and lets be honest, as men once we started seeing that I would lose you attention and you would have to clear you search history at some point. Anyway...so, yes put down the phone, just put it down and walk away. You are aware that life doesn't pause when you look away from it right? Your kids are still growing...and I guarantee you that most of that stuff...it will still be there later. We wonder why we feel so alone sometimes and it is because our relationships with our devices is more prevalent than our relationships with people. Remember being a kid and being forced to spend time outside, or using your...imagination...you know that thing you tap into now when you try to come up with a not true story of where you were, what you were doing,...who you were doing it with? Here's the thing, if you cannot do any of these things then how can you expect your kid to go play by themselves without a phone of their own, it's our duty as fathers to show our children how to live, if we do it buried behind electronic devices, than so will they. Why are you doing this? What's the goal? What's the point? Sadly these are questions I get asked every day. I'll be honest it took some real pressure for me to actually sit down and decide to actually pull the trigger on this. How do I start? I found reasons... no excuses on why I hadn't done something already. It wasn't until I really was forced to look inward that I truly began to understand the overall need for this site, group...support to exist. We're men, we aren't supposed to feel. We don't suffer. We are like stone, cold through and through. The reality is we are none of those things, we are however human. We bleed, and cry and feel just like everyone else. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things you could ever deal with; I tried to describe it once before but my words just didn't do it justice. Heartbreak is like someone ripped all the air out of your lungs, while stepping on your heart and punching you in the gut and the whole time your head is on fire. It's truly excruciating. Losing something you love is intense, it's never an easy process and it almost always gets tougher before it gets easier. I can still remember the moment I realized I lost it all; I was empty, alone... You feel like you failed, you question every decision you ever made. Ponder everything you did and didn't do, as men we're expected to pretend that this isn't happening the whole time. Sure you have friends that will offer their support, but what can they really do? Can they replace your entire life, because that's what just got taken away from you...? Your time is going to be spent in constant turmoil. Why am I doing this? This is the easiest question. I'm doing this because my hope is that I can just help one person, to show them this will not be easy but once you recover from it you will never be stronger than you are in that moment. I'm doing this because when I wanted support all I got was advice, and when I wanted advice all I got was support. I floated, existing only inside of my life for months. Directionless; fading out, away from whom I truly was, I gave up on myself, I gave up on my own happiness, and I felt like a failure. I didn't have the right people around me, not in that moment. I came face to face with my inner most fears; becoming my own idiot father, being a part-time dad, only seeing my kids occasionally, another man loving my wife. I lost all sense of time and space, trapped inside my own mind in the fetal position, blubbering in my own sad self-pity. I grieved; I grieved like I did when I was only 9 years old and listened to the sermon at my own father's funeral. I needed too. A small part of me died in that time period, but it's that part that needed to die in order for me to do what I did next. Like a phoenix I rose from my own ashes; I stared down my demons, and fears. I faced myself and made a promise, never...never would I stop fighting for what I wanted. I decided in that moment what I wanted, and the storm passed, the tears dried and the sun rose and gave me hope, strength and direction. I was going to fight. Why am I doing this, quite simply because I know how it feels to be broken down, to have your soul crushed and your heart thrown away. I know how hard it is to rise again, to fight alone. I know how hard it is to stare yourself in the face because ultimately your demons are manifested in your own mind so facing them is the same as facing yourself. I know all these things, and I would never want to hear about someone having to do it alone like I did. We all have the ability to reach deep within ourselves and find the courage to fight when all hope is lost, it's just that much easier when you have a cheering section. What's the goal? This is the toughest question because my, no our goal is to alter the vision of what a father truly is. There are some of us out there that are fighting to eliminate this notion of dead-beat dad; the reality of it all is the system is not designed for the success of men during and after divorce/separation/custody battles. We are the underdog. Just like any fight it is hard to prove your worth when every person around you assumes you have already failed. Most of the advice I got was to get a father's advocate attorney, but the ones I met with were more focused on how much money I had, or how much I made to provide for support. When I did open my mouth to tell them "no, I want my children" I got every look imaginable. These are lawyers claiming to have father's rights closer to heart than others and they had already assumed that I was going to lose. I refused to accept that. They were my kids as well, why should I have to assume I wouldn't get them just because I was a male. Not an option for me, I would have sacrificed anything for that. I ask men now who question me. "Do you want your children full-time?" before you answer that yourself let me clarify this question for you. Are you prepared to lose sleep? be broke? have no social life? stay single? Not that any of those are guaranteed sacrifices, but are you willing to make them? I can tell you there are not a lot of women out there who are willing to take on the responsibility of another man's children, there are some, and in most cases they have children as well. Now I'm off track though...so to sum it up. The goal is quite simple... To provide men everywhere with the knowledge, support, advice and help they need to achieve what they want during and after this major life changing event. Every time we accomplish this we have helped to raise the awareness again. The awareness that just because we are men, does not mean we do not care. What's the point? You know what, you're right. There may be no point to any of this, we might change nothing. However, what if we only changed one small thing? Would that be worth it? Would that help men in the future not have to struggle for their own god given rights? Anyone who has met me personally knows this about me, I don't quit, and I don't give up. Me personally, I've been through enough personal hells in my life to no longer be afraid of the next fight, and the one after that... The point of all this is to simply be heard, to reach down deep into the shadowy pit of darkness, grief and pain in which some men exist during this whole process. Sure they hide it well, smiles on their faces, or stoic expressions designed with one single purpose...to hide the pain away. The point is to provide a lifeline to those drowning, to reach out a helping hand, to say a kind word. The point is to be human in all its own glory, to let the next man up know "You are not alone". The point is to teach what we have already learned to the next group that will be forced to face the same fight. The point is to help us heal within ourselves, and to eliminate any lasting remnants of doubt that may exist inside our own minds, hearts and souls. The point of this all; to heal and be healed, to love and be loved, to give and receive hope... To change the world...one man at a time. |
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