When this whole thing began I was devastated…
I was lost… Everything I had was ripped away from me and it was hard to deal with on a personal and emotional level. I spent the better part of a decade being made to feel inferior, no matter what I did to appease, no matter what I did to create something better. I was never good enough, never had enough money, never had a good job, never had the right looks. I tried, I really did. I tried to do the right things, tried to make you happy but the truth was I just couldn’t. I know that now. I also now know I was good enough, all those things you held over my head, all those times you made me feel worthless I realize it was my fault and not yours. I let you do that to me, I made the decision to accept those statements as truths. I had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out if who I was. I had spent so much of my time believing that what I was, was indeed something not worthy. Not worthy of love, not worthy of compassion. Again these were my burdens to bear. You may have said the things you did but I believed them. You claimed there was anger and you were right, there was anger. Anger at myself. I was truly lost. Then something occurred to me that never had before…why? Why did I have to be poor? Why did I have to believe those falsities you programmed into me? Why did I have to feel unworthy? What had I done that had precluded me from true and real happiness? The answers were all the same… I didn’t! So, I reinvented myself, made promises to take risks, to love uncontrollably and be loved back in the same manner. I reconnected with people you had made me fear. I reconnected with myself. What I found was truly spectacular! I was smart, dedicated, determined and hardened. There was nothing to keep me from being where I wanted to be…well except for myself. I struck emotional gold. This shadow of a thousand insults hurled at my soul no longer penetrated my mind, no longer were allowed in. I had spent the better part of 15 years fighting for me, then I met you and I gave up. I accepted the shadow as my friend, believed it. Allowed it to shape me and my mindset. This had to end… I needed emotional salvation. I searched for it in religion, in my past, and in myself. It was not there, and no matter how much I longed for it to be my salvation eluded me. Until… My children, they were my salvation. They made me whole, changed my mindset. Here in front of me were two people who needed me. That thought, although always there had pushed itself into the forefront of my mind. I dedicated every moment of every day and night to them, to loving them, protecting them. Now, in your intense hatred for me and an attempt to belittle and discredit me you are hurling shadows again. Dancing in half-truths and fabrications of your mind in an attempt to reconcile with children that I have always left open to receive your love. Regardless of what you have done to me. The truth is I want both of these children to have a relationship with you. Even though I think you are a toxic person in general I find it important for them to spend time with you and be loved by you. I know you think in your mind what you are doing is right and just, but I can promise you it really isn’t. I can tell when our oldest son talks to me about the near future and what it might bring, not his disdain for you but rather his worry about your mindset. It isn’t fear that forces your mother’s voice to waiver, it’s the worry she is overwhelmed with in your attempts to sling mud in an effort to attain what you want. There was a moment not long ago where I believed you were a different person than you were before, that the anger and hatred you had for me dissipated into an understanding that I had taken this role as full-time father to heart. Where is that person? There was a moment where when speaking to you I no longer felt not good enough, no longer felt unworthy of your presence. I was able to undo close to a decade of emotional abuse in less than 12 months. I realize now we were never truly in love and most of the decisions we made were made out of necessity to give our children a life we felt they deserved. Now that life is a possibility, but since you aren’t a major star in it you are intent on destroying it? Why? I asked myself that very question. I came up with a few answers and although all of them are fair and possible, I cannot believe them because I know you do not. Jealousy, Selfishness? Today is February 9, 2016. It is your one-year anniversary to your new husband and new life. For that I am happy you have found these things. However, it is also the one-year anniversary of the total destruction of our oldest son’s belief in you as a mother. He’s obsessing over whether you are celebrating or worrying about him. The reason is simple; tomorrow is his birthday. A big birthday for him as well as he will be twelve years old. With every ounce of my being I am hoping, no…praying this will occur to you and make you realize how damaged he truly is. I haven’t had to brainwash him; you’ve done a fine job of doing that on your own. His personal feelings for you are not a reflection of my words, thoughts or opinions of you. His feelings are based on a pattern of ignorance, ignorance to his feelings, his wants, his desires. His personal feelings have been shaped by your own vile venom, spewed to try and create a rift between us, by your absence during his times of need, by your need to be in the spotlight and refusing to play the role you must as a parent...support. Ignorant to what is best for him, ignorant to the man he is growing up to be. I ask, where is that moment? Where is the person who said “I just want him to be happy?”, do you think he will ever be happy if this is how his life unfolds? Do you think you will gain some kind of edge over his already formed opinions and feelings? Like me he is steadfast in his beliefs and if anything you will only cause more resentment then love. So I want to leave you with this; There was a moment where you were a mother first. There was a moment where you thought of him and our youngest son over yourself. There was a moment where we were able to co-exist and mold these two children into people. There was a moment where you did the right thing. There can still be that moment… Leave a Reply. |
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