With Memorial Day fast approaching, and my kids out of town with their mother this weekend, I felt as though a night out last night was imperative. So I was "informed" by a friend that I would be joining her, and her friend, and their boyfriends' for dinner. Knowing full well I was going into a fairly awkward situation, I decided I was going to make the most of it. So I showered, shaved, got dressed and went out, dinner began just as I assumed it would, fairly awkwardly. My outgoing attitude and quick wit basically saved the day...okay not really. So I knew it was going to happen well before it actually did, it was inevitable that someone would ask me the question..."Why are you still single?" Most rush to judgment, assuming I'm not ready, or that I can't find someone. The reality? I'm good. We place so much emphasis on relationships in today's world; it’s incredibly rare to come across someone who has chosen to remain single. I choose to remain single for a variety of reasons; number one I have a trust issue with women in relationships. Until I am able to overcome that I don't legitimately think it is fair to project my own insecurity from past relationships onto another woman who has had nothing to do with it. Number 2, honestly this may sound like a cop-out, or an excuse; I'm just too busy. Between my writing, advocacy work, my kids and their activities, work and school on top of regular stresses like bills, and doctor appointments...I just seriously don't have the time to fairly invest into a real relationship, and I know myself well enough to figure out that if I did get involved...I would probably let everything else go. That's a sacrifice I'm not willing to make. Number 3, dating takes work, it takes effort. Not that either one of those things scare me, but after the shock to the system of my divorce, I'm not really sure I am truly willing to invest either of those two things into something I am not positive will lead to anything other than more heartbreak. Sure dating would be fun; you meet someone new, you spend time getting to know them, you find out what you both have in common. Oh yeah, and sex...who doesn't like sex? Here's the thing though I genuinely believe that you should never attempt to enter a relationship until you at least have a good grasp on what your own issues are and how to overcome them. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you...yeah I tried dating in fact I dated two different women, but I moved too quickly because I was not complete on my own. So in turn I relied on those women to fill a void, a completely unrealistic expectation on my part that ended up coming back to bite me in the ass later on. I fell in "puppy dog" love way too fast on both occasions and when it ended I was left feeling worse than I was when I began in the first place. I wasn't ready, and it took that heartbreak for me to realize it. So I'm okay with being single for now, I know it isn't long term. That may change today; the point is I'm not really looking for a relationship because I have other priorities that are more pressing right now. In some small way maybe I'm not ready, but I've been told time and time again that once you stop caring about trying to find a good relationship...that's when you do. So for now I am going to keep doing what I am doing, wake up, write, take care of my kids, try to enjoy this moment in my life of a new beginning. I describe it perfectly like this; before I got married or had kids, some of the happiest moments in my life were when I was single, as a child, teenager and beyond that into my adulthood. We are not intended to live alone forever; a basic human need is love and companionship. However, we make our worst decisions at our most desperate moments, and decisions made out of desperation...were never that good in the first place. Good Morning readers, it's Saturday. for some of us this whole day can be tough, Single dad's who don't have visitation this weekend, divorced husbands who used to spend the days with their wives and children. Keep one thing in mind, regardless of how trying this alone time can be, you're never as alone as you think you are. The first few months of my own separation were tough, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with myself. I've never been the guy who likes to party or surround myself with other people, but sometimes the one thing you don't want to do is the one thing you need to do. As human beings we have an internal need to connect to others, its almost as much a requirement as food, water or shelter. So by ignoring this very basic need you are essentially setting yourself up for failure. Go out, it doesn't matter what you do, go fishing, go to a game...hell even just go to a friends house. The reason this time is so important is because you need to figure out exactly what it is that you want. You have the opportunity right now in this moment to be selfish, by not taking advantage of it you are denying yourself access to your true self. Sure that's a little deeper than we were hoping to go on a day like this, but it's necessary. If I don't kick your ass who will? I struggled with this I am not going to lie about it at all, it wasn't easy for me at all. There were times I ignored my phone ringing, pretended I was too busy to talk. I realized all this truly did was cut me off even more from the people who genuinely cared about me, not everyone realizes what it is that your going through, work, kids, divorce, separation, plus the normal things, bills, responsibilities, school, doctor's appointments...The list goes on and on. Here is a piece of shocking information, well not really, YOU NEED A BREAK! Hell, even at work you get government mandated breaks. Take advantage of the time you have. With this though you need to try and avoid the common pitfalls, drugs, alcohol, women...These are not the things you honestly need, you will hear me say this time and time again, temporary solutions to permanent problems...you can't put a band-aid on a broken bone and expect it to get better on its own. We talk about advice and I'm sure you are getting it from every which way, take it for what it's worth, and factor in "does this person know what I am truly going through?" More often than not the answer will be no, they don't know exactly what your going through because every situation is different from the next. When I first was separated I went out and tried dating and partying, it was an epic mistake on my part because I was not ready for either of those things. There is no time limit on a broken heart, whether it's broken from your ex-wife or lack of contact from your children. The only true remedy is time, acceptance and grieving. So I found activities that let me clear my mind, I went fishing, I went walking through a park, I just sat at a friend's house watching TV. You don't have to talk to someone to get counseling, sometimes just getting away from the problem for a short time is enough to give you the opportunity to re-evaluate what it actually is. You need to find yourself in all of this mess, you're no longer a "we" you are now an "I". Ask yourself; What do I want to do? What do I like? What do I want?. Than go out and find the answers to these questions... There is a reason this is so important, you more than likely poured yourself into your relationships, with your ex, with your kids... Now those things aren't there in the same way they were before, so if you are waiting for things to just "figure themselves out" you will be waiting for a long time. One of the best pieces of advice is to find a hobby, something you can now redirect the flow of time investment. Learn an instrument, take a class, join a group of people who are already doing things you're interested in. Push yourself to be a better you...not that there is anything wrong with you, but we all have room for improvement. I can promise you that it will make you happier, maybe not at first, but keep at it and the next thing you know the days alone will go by faster, time will speed up and the moments where you are no longer alone will mean so much more to you. Today is May 26, 2014, Memorial Day. So often we see this day as something it is not. A free day from work, another three day weekend, or more recently an overly commercialized day used to promote products we do not need but are forced to feel inclined to buy. As someone who served in the United States Military I can tell you that today means the world to us, sure we remember our fallen fathers, sons, mothers, daughters, friends and comrades every day. Today is special because it is truly a day to sit back and evaluate your own freedoms, and realize the selflessness and sacrifice that allow you to have them. I personally have met and am honored to call friend to some of these people who are no longer here, I cherish this day for them. Regardless of what I am feeling or going through I cannot help but wonder how their families are celebrating today. I've walked through Arlington National Cemetery, I’ve watched the visitors search for friends and loved ones, and I’ve seen the emotion overtake them to the point of collapse. I know it is easier for us to focus our energies to other things today, Barbeques, picnics, and shopping, but what today is really about is those men and women who paid the ultimate price for your very ability to do whatever it is you plan on doing today. Trust me when I say they would want you to enjoy this day, they would want for you to gather with friends and family, share stories about your current life. Have drinks with friends and laugh and support one another. They would want you to do these things because that is exactly what they would be doing if they were still here today. These soldiers, seamen, airmen, and marines were people; they had the same hopes, goals, and dreams that a lot of us had. So knowing that we are achieving them or working towards them would make them happy in knowing their sacrifice did not go wasted. Today is Memorial Day; a day to remember. So go to your barbeque, picnic or gathering, eat drink and be merry. Just take one minute out of the eighty six thousand four hundred minutes in today to say thank you. Acknowledge that your freedom was not free, that it was paid for by the lives, the blood, sweat and tears of people just like you. Not all of us have that ability to selflessly sacrifice, so let's honor those that did. The day after....This is probably one of the toughest days of your life so far, unless this is what you wanted. It's safe to say that most of us felt like this house, broken, falling apart, hopeless... I'll use this story I heard... I offered a homeless man a $20 bill, when he reached for it I pulled it back, crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, stomped all over it, spit on it, then poured my coffee all over it. I then picked it back up and offered it to him again...HE STILL WANTED IT! The point is it doesn't matter how broken, beat-up, used, abused, damaged or hurt you are, creating value in yourself will force others to value you. The first day is hard, you lost your wife, your kids, your house, basically your whole life. Circumstances will be different depending on your situation but the reality is you will probably still feel the same way...like shit, wait no, like shit that was eaten by shit than shit back out again. How many times can I say the word shit to make you feel less shitty? Not enough. So take a break, don't go to work that day. Cancel your plans, you need time to grieve, and please do not grieve into a bottle. Drugs and alcohol are only temporary solutions to a permanent problem, but that's a different story. Here's the thing, you may feel like your life is over, I promise you it isn't. It's still moving on around you so whether you shrivel up and cry, or go party like a rockstar, your life is still moving in a direction. Which direction it's moving in is still your choice! My suggestion, and that's all this is, take a deep breath, call a friend or family member, reach out for help. As men we are always so afraid that reaching out for help is a sign of weakness, well so what!!! I think you have the right to be weak right now, and if your friends and family disagree and do anything other than listen and understand. Than you have bigger problems, like...finding friends that aren't assholes. You will get tons of advice...and I mean tons, some good, most bad. This is not the time to make decisions, this is the time to grieve. Compare the loss of your "life", your wife, kids, house, whatever to actually losing someone you care about. Would anyone fault you if your mother or father stopped existing? Absolutely not, so when your life stops existing the way you knew it to, then there is no shame in shedding tears, or falling apart. In fact I think something is wrong with you if you didn't, but that's just me. Take that time, take that breath, make that call. Let it hurt, because like all scars it will only make you stronger in the long run, and whether you realize it or not, you have a battle looming in the future. Wow, the Genesis huh? The messes I get myself into...I guess I have to say something truly enlightening now. Okay how about this, true character is developed from trauma. It's a true statement... So anyway here we are on this quest of enlightening, this journey to fix all the world's problems. Take our dreams and make them a reality right? Probably not...my goal...to be heard. For all the single fathers who never had anyone but family and friends for support, if they even had that. For all the husbands that thought they were doing the right things, for men who are maybe still happily married with or without children of their own, who are fed up with this Disney force fed idea that all men are supposed to be princes, and all love stories are fairy tales... The reality is they aren't, now I'm not a bitter guy. Sure I've been dealt a rough hand but all in all I know I wouldn't be writing this if I hadn't gone through everything that I've experienced up to this point in my life. Yes, true love exists, it has to because we believe it in our own minds. Yes, we should go out of our way to treat the women we love in our lives like the princesses they are. However, this idea of equality is drastically skewed in the direction of overcompensation... Should girls be allowed to play baseball, or football...of course if they can perform as well as the boys can than absolutely. Should women be allowed to be police officers, firefighters or paramedics? 100% yes, but again as long as they can pass the same basic requirements we hold men too. Sure you may want to argue with me but I assure you that somewhere right now there is a 300lb man whose house or apartment building will eventually catch fire, now you be honest with yourself...can a 130lb woman save his life on her own, maybe... Do you trust your life with a maybe? Keep in mind these are just opinions in a blog written by someone who may be under qualified to make astute observations. I will say this much though if we as a society want racial, gender, sexual, or religious equality then why do we accept overcompensation? How is it fair that girls can play on a boy's baseball team, but a boy cannot play on a all girl's softball team? How is it fair that we want racial equality however every time you fill out a job application or a college application those questions exist? I'm simply asking questions that surely have crossed your own mind once or twice...nothing new, and honestly there are probably more questions that I haven't asked that you are probably wondering about now that you have read this far. Webster's Dictionary defines the word equality as such; -the quality or state of being equal : the quality or state of having the same rights, social status, etc. How equal are we though when as a society we accept inequality as the norm for supposed retribution or balance? I'm interested to hear all feedback positive and negative... Thank you for reading *Please remember that all statements made are not the opinions or beliefs of the writer. Rather our intent is to ask questions, get you thinking, and to invoke some kind of response. |
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