So there it is. I just threw out a million dollar question, it's one that I ask of myself on a routine basis. Frankly I wish the answer was easy, if you have your children full-time this is even harder. One of the questions I get asked the most often is; How soon before I start dating? Here's the thing, there is no right answer to this question, it depends on you; what you are comfortable with. I can say this, if you are dating just to avoid being alone, it's too soon. We talked before about how this is a new beginning for you, but here's the thing. If you want to date because you are uncomfortable being alone, or because your ex is now dating, or even because you want to get her out of your head...than you are not ready. New beginnings only start because something else has ended, basically what I am saying is you can't start a new life if you doing it because of your old one in any way. You need to be 100%. I'm not going to lie, sure it feels great to get back out there and throw it all around, unfortunately if you aren't ready this is going to come back to get you in the long run. Either one of two things, you'll fall way too fast, or you will become addicted to the idea that exchanging physical encounters is helping to alter your state of being down due to the split. How many people are you willing to hurt by doing this? Think about how you felt when it ended and realize that for most, I stress most because some women don't care, women are going to feel that way when they realize you just used them to satisfy only your own needs. Dating should be treated as what it is, an attempt to find someone you enjoy being around and hopefully a long term relationship. Odds are you just got out of one, so ask yourself am I ready for another long term relationship? I was told a variety of things when I asked this question; start right away, wait 3 months, 6 months, a year, or whenever you're ready. A really smart lady (no not my mother) told me that you know you are over someone when things you struggle to do now because they are a reminder cease being that. In other words when you can listen to that song, or watch that movie, or even just drive down that street without being hurtfully reminded of what once was...then and only then are you truly ready. With that being said, I made mistakes. I have dated two different women since my separation and in both cases it was a mistake on my part, one was a high school crush, and the other was a co-worker. Not that anything was wrong with either of them, but rather with me. I wasn't ready and I was too blind to know it, I gave my heart away like yesterdays newspaper, it was not pretty on either accounts. I became the very opposite of who I was, I was clingy and needy and just grrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry it makes me mad to even talk about it because honestly I was a moron, nothing says you're an idiot like saying "I love you" to someone you've been with for as short a time as I was. To save myself any further embarrassment I will openly refuse to say how long I made myself look foolish. Either way you look at it, you can learn from my mistakes, I have. Now I have been single for going on five months and I can honestly say I'm quite happy, sure I miss that feeling of knowing that I have a girlfriend, but the reality is now my life is much easier. I can focus my time and energy on my children and myself, I'm saving money too. What I do have is a group of friends I try to communicate with everyday, and honestly most of them are women who have their own children. Not that I did it on purpose but I can more easily relate to them because they are not only aware of but also experiencing the same issues I am. It's this communication that keeps me sane, it makes me not even really think about dating at all, in fact anytime I get lonely I shoot someone a text or instant message and those feelings melt away into the conversations I'm having. I like to joke around and say I have dozens of girlfriends, because in the end I do. I'm not dating any of them but we talk in most cases daily, whether it's about kids, or work, or even everyday life. Having that support system has kept me fairly straight and that network of people having my back has kept me sane in what can only be described as a crazy single dad world. Just remember that love is one of the most honest and genuine emotions we have, mainly because it contributes to so many other emotions; happiness, sadness, anger. If we are not careful on who we give it to it becomes devalued even in our own minds. So the answer to that question...quite simply is, there is no answer. The only thing I can say is this; if you focus on being happy alone and loving yourself, than being happy with someone and loving them will come to you in a more natural way. Bobby Boss Jr April 8, 1991-May 25, 2014 I’ll try to do this without getting emotional; So yesterday I went to the funeral of a friend, he was young, too young. Only 22 years old. He was a newer friend; actually I just met him for the first time when I first was separated from my ex-wife. Honestly I have to say he was one of the best human beings I have ever had the privilege to meet in my life. I’ve always avoided funerals, viewings and wakes but I felt compelled to go to this one for one reason, this man had the courage to wake up every day and live his life knowing he was carrying this thing with him that could kill him at any time. If he had the courage to do that than the least I could do was face him and pay my respects. I went to the viewing with some mutual friends, in fact all of us played on the same 9 ball pool league team together. I watched his mother fall apart and began to wonder about my own children, how would I react to their untimely end? I’m not sure I could deal with something so life altering, I’m sure if I was forced to I would somehow manage but I know I’d be angry and resentful. Facing death head on, is a terrifying venture, especially when it is someone who you hold so very near and dear to your heart like a child. This guy, I mean he did everything, no one could tell him no. With half the tools the rest of us take for granted he accomplished more than any expected, a great athlete, a great human being. I stood there next to my friends and listened to family and friends talk about him, how courageous he was, how he faced every challenge head on and never thought life wasn’t fair. I think we take too many things for granted, because even I never realized how bad things were for him until I began listening to those stories. I had the outstanding privilege to say I knew this man, watched him rise up against the giants that were facing him down and ignore their very existence. I can honestly say I never heard a single complaint from him, he never requested pity or help, he was aware of his own ability to succeed. I took from this whole thing quite a few eye opening truths; life is short for us all, the people around us are there because they love and care about us whether we are aware of it or not, we can accomplish so much more than anyone truly believes if we have that belief in ourselves, and that regardless of how your time ends, if you live a good and pure life, then that is how you will be remembered. Our tomorrows are never guaranteed, however most of us treat them as such, putting things off or believing that waiting is the best option. We need to embrace each day and the people around us, share our truest feelings with them. To those who read this and know to whom I am speaking about you know all these things to be true about him; he was more than a friend even though I only knew him briefly. He was a hero; he showed the courage to live, the will to fight, and an internal light that refused to be diminished. To me courage is defined by our actions not our words, his courage shown through by simply living his life, having friends, and acting like nothing was really going on. I believe in my heart and soul there is a special place in heaven for those who fought the fight not for themselves but for those around them. After listening to the stories from family members, friends and loved ones alike, I now know his fight wasn’t for his own life. He fought to make us all better, he fought to show some things are worth fighting for, he fought to share his endless supply of love and caring with everyone he ever met. He fought for all of us, to prove to us that some things are truly worth fighting for, he fought humbly, courageously, and with a valiant spirit we could only hope to achieve. For your passing I wept, as did many of us, but we wept not because we felt pity or sorrow, but rather because we knew our lives would not be the same. There will always be a void in us all, that’s your place in all of our hearts. The only regret I can honestly say I have is that I never spoke these words directly to you, but I know you hear them now. My heart; although heavy with your passing is filled with joy in the fact you will no longer feel pain, no longer carry any kind of fear. You my friend will always hold a special place in everyone’s heart that ever had the pleasure of meeting you, teachers, friends, family, and this community as a whole. We can only hope, to one day meet you again in another place. |
Archives
February 2016
Categories
All
|