Anyone born from 1970-1985 knows what I am talking about here. If you were born after 1988 then do us all a favor and get the fuck out of here. The 90s were the best and I'm about to tell you why. First lets just start with the culture and social aspect of it all, being in school in the 90s meant you listened to decent music, wore decent clothes and said things like "sike" and "cowabunga" and "eat my shorts". Being a nineties kid meant going outside, street hockey and roller blades. Movies, music, TV and society was just better overall. So here it is the real top ten list of why the nineties were better. #10 Facebook didn't exist! Yeah that's right I said it. Facebook didn't exist and we fucking survived. We had no idea what anyone was eating for dinner, how many fucking miles they ran or the last time anyone checked into a fucking Red Robin. Life was simple, when you came home you didn't see your friends or what they were doing until the next time you saw them, and life was fucking easy! We weren't overly concerned about stupid shit and we were able to just live our fucking lives. Facebook has ruined society, we spend more time messaging our friends then actually seeing them, we tag, tweet, facetime, check-in, skype, like, snapchat, and probably another fucking useless thing by the time I finish typing this sentence. My point is we had privacy. The world didn't know what you were doing all the time and guess what they didn't give a damn. Granted I will probably post this on Facebook so go ahead and call me a hypocrite, but I'm just a lemming being led to the cliff's edge. #9 Cellphones didn't exist! Okay maybe they did but you know what they did? call people, that's it, that's all they could do. If you were super lucky you had this little device you wore on your belt loop called a "pager" which was essentially just a portable caller ID. The reason this is so good is simple, it goes back to number 10, you had some fucking privacy. If you weren't home and someone had to get in touch with you, they had to wait until you came home and checked your...wait for it...answering machine. Now if you are some sort of complete and total nimrod that skipped the beginning of this let me tell you what an answering machine was so you can leave with just a little more knowledge. An answering machine was a device you plugged your phone into, it normally had a cassette tape in it....oh wait...you don't know what a cassette tape is? Jesus Fucking Christ...you know what I give up!!! Cellphones...okay yeah so...I'm done I've made my point... #8 Cassette tapes existed! So after number 9 I figured I should explain this. A cassette tape was a little box with a thin roll of film inside of it. It was about 3"x2 1/2" and had two holes like eyes in the middle. Now that I have described it to you let me tell you why this has to be here... A cassette tape worked simply by choosing another tape or radio station and inserting your tape into the stereo...you could record your favorite songs. There are literally movies made about this and it's fucking epic! You could make a tape for your girlfriend/boyfriend declaring your feelings, record your own workout mix, or even voice over songs. Oh and the best part... a brand new release on cassette...like $5...yeah for an entire album. This mp3 bullshit is ridiculous, $1.75 per song what the fuck is wrong with us??? #7 Gas prices were under $1.25 per gallon Yeah gas prices were less then $2, in fact in 1999 when I first got my license gas prices here in Maryland were $0.98 per gallon. Yes Mother fuckers that's a fucking zero in front. Yeah I could fill my tank, buy a sandwich and soda and a pack of cigarettes for $20. Inflation and greed are bitches...these companies now just fucking wake up and make the prices up as they go with no real reason for them to fluctuate as much as they do. Here's a crazy calculation for you...today if you were to buy an economy car and drive across country from Baltimore, MD to Los Angeles, CA you would average 30 miles to the gallon at $2.19 a gallon, that trip would cost you $200 just in gasoline, that same trip in 1999? $82 in gasoline! That's more then double...fuck this I'm going back ASAP!!! #6 The worst things kids did was drink and smoke cigarettes. Now let's not crucify me yet, drinking and smoking are bad things if your underage, but when you compare that to school shootings and all the garbage that happens now...it's pretty vanilla. In the entire decade of the 90s there were 47 school shootings resulting in 84 deaths and 122 injuries. In the last decade? 149 school shootings resulting in 181 deaths and 266 injuries!!! That's an overall increase of 250%!!! What the fuck! Is there like a new gun store I haven't been made aware of yet? GUNS 'R' US??? I'm glad all I ever did was smoke and drink! #5 Selfies weren't a thing! Thank god! Seriously these duck-faced underage slags posting pictures of themselves almost naked hoping to be the next big thing. Has anyone told these girls this shit is forever? As much crap as Obama had to deal with in order to become president, can you imagine how it will be in another 40 years? People, no scratch that, kids today take pictures and videos of just about everything. It's absolutely ridiculous the amount of garbage that is on the internet now, and it only gets bigger as each day goes by. Do us all a favor, put the camera down and pick-up a fucking book. Trust me it will get you further in life. #4 Movies Yeah the special effects weren't great, but movies weren't recycled garbage that some bored Hollywood producer decides to green light just because he/she thinks it will make money. Movies of the nineties like Titanic, Ghost, Armageddon, Jurassic Park, Die Hard and Terminator...all different concepts, different genres and all in all movies that had character and depth...I don't care what you say, Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon or Swayze in Ghost got the rivers flowing. In the last decade...Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. Movies about basically nothing, sequels and pointless non ending scripts with no value that run on and on and on just to make more money. Nothing of value, nothing of character. Movies were just better then because they knew how to meld the existing world with that of fantasy, without going to overboard with special effects. #3 Music This goes without saying, before you argue with why this isn't number one I will soon explain. For any half breed moron who wants to argue that '90s music sucks I promise you that after this explanation your mind will be changed. In the nineties we had Bryan Adams, REM, Madonna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, The Black Crowes, Boyz II Men, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots. They wrote songs about love, loss and life. Now we have Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, Chris Brown, Fergie among other talentless hacks, they fill their droll albums with garbage about sex, money, dancing in clubs and sexual taboo that basically has no real point, a fucking chimpanzee could accomplish their awful music and meaningless lyrics. Music in the nineties was about real life, things we could all relate to and felt. Now we are force fed music that only the morons who produce it could relate to...being rich, lazy and pretentious. #2 Nintendo Sure Playstation and Xbox have changed our ways of life, the ability to play online with your friends who live miles, states and even countries away like they were in the same room. Nintendo started it all, I know, I know what about Atari? Yes Atari was already there but Nintendo introduced us to our first real video game characters...Mario and Luigi. everyone from the '90s remembers the day they got their Nintendo, that gray box with two buttons on the front that had controllers that actually plugged in and had four buttons plus a directional pad. The system also came with an orange gun and the system came with two basic games, Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt. I don't know about you but I stayed up and tried to beat the game every chance I had. Nintendo was the shit and if you had it you knew it. #1 Bill Clinton Yeah this is number one and not just for the regular reasons. Sure Clinton eliminated a huge deficit as President of the United States, he cleaned up Bush's whole Gulf War fiasco. He helped to create an economy that allowed home ownership to become a possibility for almost everyone. He played the saxophone at his events. The biggest reason he is number one? Bill Clinton cheated on his wife with a fat ugly intern, went on National Television and denied it...twice. Then admitted he did it and that he lied about it and...not only did he get reelected, but he actually became more popular. In fact so popular that his wife, who has forgiven him, has actually become popular enough to run for President as well. I mean this guy is amazing the craziest numbers...in 1992 when he was first elected he received 41% of married women votes, after he cheated and ran for reelection in 1996 he received 63% of the married women votes. Married women as a whole voted for him increased by over 20 percent because he cheated and lied about it. Name one other person who becomes more popular with women for lying and cheating, and I'll show you the next most popular President ever. Leave a Reply. |
Archives
February 2016
Categories
All
|