Why are you doing this? What's the goal? What's the point? Sadly these are questions I get asked every day. I'll be honest it took some real pressure for me to actually sit down and decide to actually pull the trigger on this. How do I start? I found reasons... no excuses on why I hadn't done something already. It wasn't until I really was forced to look inward that I truly began to understand the overall need for this site, group...support to exist. We're men, we aren't supposed to feel. We don't suffer. We are like stone, cold through and through. The reality is we are none of those things, we are however human. We bleed, and cry and feel just like everyone else. Heartbreak is one of the most painful things you could ever deal with; I tried to describe it once before but my words just didn't do it justice. Heartbreak is like someone ripped all the air out of your lungs, while stepping on your heart and punching you in the gut and the whole time your head is on fire. It's truly excruciating. Losing something you love is intense, it's never an easy process and it almost always gets tougher before it gets easier. I can still remember the moment I realized I lost it all; I was empty, alone... You feel like you failed, you question every decision you ever made. Ponder everything you did and didn't do, as men we're expected to pretend that this isn't happening the whole time. Sure you have friends that will offer their support, but what can they really do? Can they replace your entire life, because that's what just got taken away from you...? Your time is going to be spent in constant turmoil. Why am I doing this? This is the easiest question. I'm doing this because my hope is that I can just help one person, to show them this will not be easy but once you recover from it you will never be stronger than you are in that moment. I'm doing this because when I wanted support all I got was advice, and when I wanted advice all I got was support. I floated, existing only inside of my life for months. Directionless; fading out, away from whom I truly was, I gave up on myself, I gave up on my own happiness, and I felt like a failure. I didn't have the right people around me, not in that moment. I came face to face with my inner most fears; becoming my own idiot father, being a part-time dad, only seeing my kids occasionally, another man loving my wife. I lost all sense of time and space, trapped inside my own mind in the fetal position, blubbering in my own sad self-pity. I grieved; I grieved like I did when I was only 9 years old and listened to the sermon at my own father's funeral. I needed too. A small part of me died in that time period, but it's that part that needed to die in order for me to do what I did next. Like a phoenix I rose from my own ashes; I stared down my demons, and fears. I faced myself and made a promise, never...never would I stop fighting for what I wanted. I decided in that moment what I wanted, and the storm passed, the tears dried and the sun rose and gave me hope, strength and direction. I was going to fight. Why am I doing this, quite simply because I know how it feels to be broken down, to have your soul crushed and your heart thrown away. I know how hard it is to rise again, to fight alone. I know how hard it is to stare yourself in the face because ultimately your demons are manifested in your own mind so facing them is the same as facing yourself. I know all these things, and I would never want to hear about someone having to do it alone like I did. We all have the ability to reach deep within ourselves and find the courage to fight when all hope is lost, it's just that much easier when you have a cheering section. What's the goal? This is the toughest question because my, no our goal is to alter the vision of what a father truly is. There are some of us out there that are fighting to eliminate this notion of dead-beat dad; the reality of it all is the system is not designed for the success of men during and after divorce/separation/custody battles. We are the underdog. Just like any fight it is hard to prove your worth when every person around you assumes you have already failed. Most of the advice I got was to get a father's advocate attorney, but the ones I met with were more focused on how much money I had, or how much I made to provide for support. When I did open my mouth to tell them "no, I want my children" I got every look imaginable. These are lawyers claiming to have father's rights closer to heart than others and they had already assumed that I was going to lose. I refused to accept that. They were my kids as well, why should I have to assume I wouldn't get them just because I was a male. Not an option for me, I would have sacrificed anything for that. I ask men now who question me. "Do you want your children full-time?" before you answer that yourself let me clarify this question for you. Are you prepared to lose sleep? be broke? have no social life? stay single? Not that any of those are guaranteed sacrifices, but are you willing to make them? I can tell you there are not a lot of women out there who are willing to take on the responsibility of another man's children, there are some, and in most cases they have children as well. Now I'm off track though...so to sum it up. The goal is quite simple... To provide men everywhere with the knowledge, support, advice and help they need to achieve what they want during and after this major life changing event. Every time we accomplish this we have helped to raise the awareness again. The awareness that just because we are men, does not mean we do not care. What's the point? You know what, you're right. There may be no point to any of this, we might change nothing. However, what if we only changed one small thing? Would that be worth it? Would that help men in the future not have to struggle for their own god given rights? Anyone who has met me personally knows this about me, I don't quit, and I don't give up. Me personally, I've been through enough personal hells in my life to no longer be afraid of the next fight, and the one after that... The point of all this is to simply be heard, to reach down deep into the shadowy pit of darkness, grief and pain in which some men exist during this whole process. Sure they hide it well, smiles on their faces, or stoic expressions designed with one single purpose...to hide the pain away. The point is to provide a lifeline to those drowning, to reach out a helping hand, to say a kind word. The point is to be human in all its own glory, to let the next man up know "You are not alone". The point is to teach what we have already learned to the next group that will be forced to face the same fight. The point is to help us heal within ourselves, and to eliminate any lasting remnants of doubt that may exist inside our own minds, hearts and souls. The point of this all; to heal and be healed, to love and be loved, to give and receive hope... To change the world...one man at a time. Leave a Reply. |
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