I want to take a moment and be serious; this blog is vital to any and every one. I hope you can take from it what it truly has to offer to you. So often in life we feel the need to change ourselves, especially in relationships. We have come to this notion that being ourselves is no longer enough, we've devalued ourselves to the point where life no longer becomes enjoyable. Let me start by saying this...you are who you are, so why if someone else doesn't like something about you should you be pressured to change and fit the mold of what they envisioned you to be. The point is simply this, love yourself. Love yourself not despite, but in spite of all your flaws. Every scratch, every scar tells a story about you. These things show you where you've been, what you've been through, and how you made it through. I've talked about loving you before but not really gotten through any lengths to explain exactly what that means. No matter how flawed, whether physically, mentally or emotionally you may be your design in essence is absolutely perfect. You are who you are supposed to be in the exact moment, right here and now you shouldn't be anyone else. Your life is about your pursuit of happiness, and not about anyone else. Sure we are all forced to make sacrifices from time to time and in more cases than not we have to make decisions we would rather not make. Eventually we get to return to whom we are though, and not loving all of you is a tragedy in the making. Again I hate the term YOLO, but it's true and it's real. Do you think you would really enjoy a life where you don't love yourself? Better yet, if the eight year old version of yourself was standing in front of you right now, what would they say to you? This is no easy task at all; loving you, all of yourself is more difficult than giving that love to another human being. It's easier to hide behind you relationships with others, spouses, children, even pets. It's easier because you can consume yourself with the ignorance that you know to be true, by investing your emotions into another you are able to ignore the truth about how you feel internally. All of me includes forgiving yourself as well. We all have things we are ashamed of, things we have said or done that we regret. The ability to forgive yourself of your past transgressions will allow your heart to become lighter, no longer laden with guilt you will find it easier to accept the love of others as well. Keep in mind I am talking about forgiving, not forgetting. I know that sounds incredibly cliché, but in my opinion the biggest difference is this. Forgiving means you are able to remember what happened but to no longer allow it to overwhelm you or alter your emotions or your mood. Forgetting is simply turning a blind eye to the events or transgressions, pretending they never happened and living as though they aren't affecting you. This is truly cancerous to the emotional and mental psyche of you, it's more harmful then you can imagine because ignorance will only allow it to subconsciously eat away at you until you become aggravated by simpler things. Learning to love all of you is a process, it won't happen overnight. It's time consuming, and life altering. All of you...although a simple phrase has a lot of hidden meaning to it, whether you've committed a crime or wronged a loved one. It doesn't matter. Even if you know that person will never forgive you, this is no longer for them. Citing my own personal experiences one of the hardest things I have ever done is to forgive my father. When I was a young boy my father was anything but a good father, he drank and did drugs; he came from a broken home and was angry all of the time. I only knew him for eight short years but in that time he went out of his way to consistently torture, harass, terrify and disappoint me. When I was eight years old my father took his own life, all the events leading to that day had lined up perfectly like dominoes. It was only a matter of time they all fell over. I spent a lot of my time being angry at him, blaming my own short comings and flaws on him and his absence in my life. It took a long time before I learned my hatred and disappoint at him were affecting my own life and decisions and preventing me from truly being happy. Learning to forgive and ultimately to love him as part of my life was one of the most emotionally daunting things I have ever faced, but I'm aware of how much more care free my life is because of it. My life personally has been anything but a fairy tale, we are taught at such a young age that we should expect our own lives to have a happy ending. By now we are all aware that is not true and frankly is never going to happen, life isn't about happy endings, or perfect scenarios. Life is about simply finding reasons to smile through the pain, laugh through the tears and finding the joy in the small things we have. The opportunities we are afforded are truly endless, every single day of your life you have a chance to not only find a moment of happiness, but to relish in the ability to enjoy even the smallest of personal victories. All of me; the sarcasm, the bad decisions, the mistakes, the regrets, the attitude, the life choices, the sick humor...all of those things that could be misconstrued in a negative light. Those are the things that make up all of me, and I love myself for all of them. English is my first and frankly my only language, now I'm not a guy that looks down upon or has a problem with people who don't have English as their native language. However what does bother me? The people who have spoken English their entire lives, and honestly are awful at it. This brings up a much larger issue entirely, what happened to us? Where did we go so wrong so quickly? Not that I was alive in the 1950's but it seemed like a better time entirely, we dressed more respectfully. We spoke more respectfully and frankly we lived more respectfully. I was assisted at a grocery store yesterday by a man with his pants so far down his ass he had to waddle in order to move. I'm sorry but when did style outweigh common sense? When did we stop caring about not necessarily what other people thought about us but what was right and wrong? When did it become socially acceptable for our asses to be hanging out of our pants? When did it become easier to change the order of words in a sentence? Our ignorance towards a complete and total disregard for our society and values is truly bothersome. After pondering this, I realized the sad truth we may never return to our former greatness. Like an old dog our best years are behind us, and every year seems to become harder and harder to bear. Out at a restaurant fairly recently, I watched a woman bend over and look into a cake display window and repeat the following. "Gurrrl, is dese cakes for reals?" I laughed, because at the time I found it hilarious, but then the next day I heard another woman at a retail store say "I forgots, dis be yours or mines?" Although still funny, it began to occur to me. These people are actually making it more difficult on themselves for example; Gurrrl, is dese cakes for reals? Girl are these cakes real? There are actually fewer words in the proper English version. I forgots, dis be yours or mines? I forget is this mine or yours? The same amount of words but still The point is pretty simple, when did it become socially acceptable to sound like a complete and utter fucking moron? What the hell are they teaching these people in school? It feels like we just gave up, like it no longer matters anymore. Why would we make life more difficult for ourselves? Finally, I refuse to believe that under any circumstances that people are truly that content with their own ignorance. Sure I like my clothes a little baggy as well, but I still want them to fit. Sure I catch myself using slang. I respect myself enough on a routine basis that I cannot allow myself to become immersed in a culture that has less respect for everyone, themselves included. It's one thing to do or act a certain way when we're younger in high school, we're trying to fit in and make friends. To allow the stigma and lifestyle from your young and immature teenage years to influence and ultimately determine your adulthood is the true sign that ignorance has defeated common sense and self respect. I love our country and truly believe it to be one of the best in the world but honestly I can see how other countries may view us based on our image. Ignorance has overwhelmed us in even more ways, people taking stands on things they know nothing about, getting upset over silly things. I was having an argument with a friend of a friend about a football player, and because he got upset at my opinion told me "Ima slap da shit out dis bitch!" I should state that during the whole argument he was speaking plain and clear legitimate English, but the second he got upset he became another person entirely. Like he believed if he spoke slang to me I would somehow become more afraid. Ignorance comes in a variety of ways and one would assume with the advances in technology and the wide access we have to information people would become more intelligent, not more ignorant. Whether you want to hear this or not ignorance is no longer bliss, not even to the ignorant. Quite simply we have to make a motivated effort to become better than what we want to be, drive and determination are the only things that can bring us back to a time where it was alright to trust your neighbors, it was safe to let your kids out of the house, and truly understand the words that are coming out of my mouth. When I was only 16 years old I used to think about the life I wanted; to live in some remote destination, waking up on the beach everyday, being self sufficient. As I grew older I still believed that I was intended to have a life that was all about me. As I wrote in my book "Real Men Laugh", there came a moment in my life where I was more ashamed of my thoughts then I ever thought I would be. It was when I found out about my fist child being born. That feeling was a combination of resentment, anger and hopelessness. I'm not a selfish man by any means but the fact of the matter is that when I had all these plans for myself in the future, none of them involved children. Think what you want about me, trust me I've already though worse. I love my children, more than anything else in this world... I wouldn't trade them for the life I thought I would have.... Occasionally my mind will wander though and I will find myself on that lonely beach, daydreaming about hot sand, cool breezes and blue water. I daydream through the temper tantrums, epic blow-ups and catastrophic melt downs...sometimes as a parent that's all we get...daydreams. My kids are my life, everything I do revolves around them and their happiness. The fact is no matter how hard we try, very few of is have the life's we thought we would, either we had children early then expected, met the person worth changing our plans for or just made bad decisions. We have the lives that we deserve, the lives we have earned. My life is great, sure I wished I had more money, more time, more fun... but I would still want this life and everything it comes with. I have the drive to attempt to solidify myself as a writer, I have a support system that rivals any other, and the undying love of two boys who see me as their daily hero. So I traded hot sand for dirty diapers, cool breezes for hugs, and blue water for "I love you." It could definitely be a lot worse, I am no the man I was five or even ten years ago. In fact when I look to find that person inside of me I realize he is all but gone. The opinionated, obnoxious part of me still exists, but I have learned to twist those opinions and ideas regardless of their inappropriateness, to make them into something funny.The point to all this is quite simple, you may never have want you want, but if you learn to love what you have, then you will never want again. The life I thought I wanted, is something I now realize was simply the daydreaming of an immature boy... but it's something nice to daydream about now. Slag noun Stony waste matter separated from metals during the smelting or refining of ore. Slag, whore, slut... All these words pretty much mean the same exact thing...desperate. The point is that yes although they are also people they are the single exception to the phrase "treat people how you want to be treated." The reason is simple, if you treat them nice in any way they will assume you want what they are offering. There is no such thing as a good slag, even if they look high class it just means you have to pay more money and time for them to eventually disrespect themselves. Additionally slags doesn't necessarily only apply to women, men can be slags too. The only exception is that men take pride in this disgusting act, whereas women get judged right away men get praised for the same ridiculous behavior. It's fair to say that I struggle with the human psyche, the part of the brain that compels people to make horrible decisions. There will always be some underlying reason, daddy didn't love me enough, I was the middle child, I have low self esteem. The truth quite simply is these are cognitive decisions, made by mentally weak individuals with little to no regards for the consequences. There is no benefit to this lifestyle, there is no heroic celebration for using a slag for what it is intended for. You can find them easy enough, they exist everywhere. Late night bars, at the gym, even tripping over their own feet late at night after yet another bender intended to erase away the last series of bad decisions. Never allow yourself to be seduced by a slag, because whatever they may do to temporarily amuse you, there is always a chance that the risk may severely outweigh any real reward offered. Why the word slag? Fair enough, evaluate the definition of the word...basically slag refers to the leftover waste that remains after you have refined and purified all the positive raw materials Okay before I go any further let me apologize in advance for the vulgarity that surely will ensue... So two weeks ago, while my children were visiting their mother for the weekend, a heard a knock at my door. I opened it and to my surprise there was a uniformed police officer, he asked for me by name. Before I continue let me comment that I am the epitome of the law abiding citizen, I don't speed, pay my taxes on time, and even on more than one occasion have returned to a store to pay for something that was accidentally not rung up properly. I am the guy who would go out of my way to return your wallet to you with all the cash still in it. So needless to say, I was a little surprised at his presence in my doorway. So after a few minutes he let me know the reason he was there was because of a so-called anonymous phone call to Child Protective Services. Apparently my ex-wife decided in all of her worldly legal training that the best way to help her chances at a scheduled court case for that Friday was to make up some garbage and claim that's what my oldest son told her. Anyway the social worker showed up and claimed that the anonymous caller claimed while the children were visiting me...wait...fucking visiting me? Um no my kids fucking live with me, why? because I'm the better option, that's why! Anyhow, apparently I was being accused of beating my two boys, although there were no marks or bruises on either of them and I had even just taking the 2 year old to the doctor for his scheduled physical exam. I want to interject for a second here... What the fuck is wrong with our system that one person can simply call and cause this much unjust harm and anxiety, just because they can't have their way. How fucking feeble minded and poorly raised were you that this seems to be your best option in getting...I don't know revenge for you own shitty existence as a human being. Regardless of this all after our scheduled visit with the social worker, the claims were unfounded. You know it's a hilarious set of circumstances when two uniformed cops essentially tell you they think the whole thing is bullshit, while the social worker is standing in my living room. My kids came home safe and sound, meanwhile my ex-wife is gloating on the phone about how she "got me." Do you know why this is seriously one of the most ridiculously funny things ever? Well quite simply because everyone...I mean everyone knew how totally full of shit she was almost right from the start. Child Protective Services has better things to do then investigate a bogus claim made by a useless and totally selfish and vile human being, especially one that continuously breaks the rules of her own visitation that was specifically court ordered. My boys came home and to me own chagrin...my oldest son tells me that his own mother tried to blackmail him into lying so that he could live with her, and his ultimate prize to live with the most complete waste of life known to man...a fucking iPhone. Are you fucking serious? I would never justify hitting a woman in my life...not ever. However there are certain people in this world that seriously need to have their asses kicked. I think a good ass whipping teaches you a lot about life, for instance how to not fuck with people for no apparent reason, or how karma has a way of getting back to you hard when you do fuck with said people. I'm no saint...not at all, but I have done everything in my power to take care of and structure my kid's lives. How fucking dare you...you non child support paying, selfishly moved to another state, have an excuse for everything except why you suck at life, completely and utterly useless slag of a human being. You want justice, believe it or not it's already been delivered. So...I'm done now, but here's the kicker... Friday came and court went smoothly, chalk up another win for the good guys. If you do the right thing, and are willing to fight for what's right, even if you lose...you still won. Before I get started...don't lie, you know you've probably done a few of these things! 10. Laughed at an incredibly racist or discriminatory joke... We've all done it, it's okay if we cannot laugh at our own stupidity then who the hell will? These jokes are like pints of ice cream, we walk into them thinking "just a little, then I'm done." Sure enough though before you know it you're repeating it in a crowd of people that typically will include one of the people the joke is directed at...awkward. 9. Wishing for pain or death during a road rage rant... You're in a rush to get home too, but then some asshole comes and cuts you off. You look in your rear-view mirror and realize there is no one behind you... If this dickhead could have just waited an extra second or two, he wouldn't have jeopardized your life, and possibly the lives of other motorists either. My favorite..."I hope you get herpes and fucking die!!!" Now sure this is a little extreme, wishing death upon someone else for something as silly as pulling out in front of you...but think for a second. He almost killed you. At this point wishing death upon him is kind of justified. 8. Pretending to text while taking a picture of either yourself or that crazy cat lady who's dancing to "The Wonder Years" theme song with tin cans on her feet. This one cracks me up, if you honestly think you have never done this, or don't know anyone who has...go to www.peopleofwalmart.com. Look here's the thing, people will continue to do completely ridiculous and insane things. If you or I don't capture that moment of total human failure then someone else will get all the credit for the three foot long mullet, or the tattoo of Obama's face, or the guy wearing a tutu in the liquor store. There is a reason our phones have cameras on them, because the guy who thought about it was like "damn I wish there was a way I could take a picture of my co-worker's clothing choice today"....Light bulb!!!! 7. Peeing in the shower There are two different types of shower peeing....the justified version, and the disgusting version. If you live by yourself, shower peeing is no big deal, besides your studio apartment is so small that anything you can do to save time or space is totally worth doing. The disgusting version is exactly what is sounds like, peeing in another person's shower, or in the gym shower, or the pool shower. I got news for you ladies and gentlemen, other people do it to...and we all know it. We as a human race are aware that shower water doesn't smell like coffee or asparagus, do us all a favor stop being a lazy, disgusting slob. 6. Changing the TV channel when a sad news story comes on... "Baby Tonya was kidnapped"...click, "Haitian relief fund for tsunami victims"...click, "School shooting massacre takes dozens of lives"...click, "Welcome to Family Feud!"... Thank God!. We have become so desensitized to the issues of real life that when it actually happens it has almost become boring to us...it's called mankind....as in "man" meaning human, and "kind" which unless you were born in the swamps of Louisiana or lived under a rock means, being nice. I'm very guilty of this myself, I constantly try to avoid real life situations like a plague. It's not that I don't care, it's simply that I would rather avoid the heartache that I would be forced to deal with by swallowing the truth. The truth is we live in a pretty fucked up world, here in America we throw away more money in food in a year then some other country's people would earn in that same time. We are a group of instant satisfaction people, however we only want the facts that are entertaining, pertinent or only directly affect us. Then again who has time to watch the news, when Big Brother is coming on and we need to know which roommates are banging each other this week. 5. Leave the bathroom without washing our hands... You're in a rush, you don't have time...Yeah okay. Meanwhile Roger is over two stalls down with explosive diarrhea, the kind that kids laugh at when they hear it. Imagine just for a second if after he is done doing the extreme stall makeover, that he decided he didn't have enough time to wash his hands and just walked out like he just bought new clothes from Madison Ave. Everything in the bathroom is disgusting, not just you. The sinks, the door handles, the paper towel dispensers... touching just one of the surfaces and not washing your hands is the equivalent of making love to pig in his own filth. It's pretty simple, wash your fucking hands! 4. Yelling at your kids because you are frustrated with everything else... The phone is ringing, you're trying to cook dinner, the TV is up too loud, you had a shitty day at work, you spill something on the floor and your kid asks you "What time is dinner?"...You're completely out of bounds response typically sounds like "WHEN IT FUCKING DONE!!!" Some of you might leave out the "F" bomb...my hat goes off to you. Too often we take our frustrations with our own issues and inadequacies out on our children because they are easy targets. When I was young I remember getting punished for things I didn't do and the retort was always "I know you did something..." We push that on our children and they live in this constant limbo state that makes them walk on eggshells for things they haven't even done wrong yet. Learn how to salvage your children from your anger level, because the reality is you instantly feel awful after you do it anyway. I know it can be difficult, as a single father to two boys, I can tell you on more than one occasion I have lost my cool and exploded my verbal barrage on them for things that are really no big deal. I always regretted it and have found other avenues to work around it moving forward. 3. Stealing... Yes, we are all guilty of this. Whether you took the waitress' pen without realizing it or raided your supply closet at work for your kids back to school supply list. We all steal, some of us have a conscious and do the right thing but more often than not we never think of it as a big deal. So I will tell a story now, about five years ago I worked in a restaurant and helped the owner get it back to its former glory. He had retired from a state government job before he bought the restaurant and had no clue what he was doing, he was so appreciative that when I finished he presented me with a gift before I moved on to my next job. A gold engraved pen with the name of the restaurant and his initials in it, with a card that simply stated, "Thank you for saving me." That pen meant the world to me and I ended up losing it in a bank about a year later, when I went back to the bank just a few months ago I saw the pen on desk in the front office area and when I let them know it was mine the guy casually handed it to me and said "It doesn't work anymore" like I was just going to throw it away. The pen had meaning to me, that is what5 was important so regardless of how simple, insignificant or even silly it may sound, you never realize how big or little of a deal it is to another when something has been taken from them. 2. Having "I hate everything" days... Sometimes these are my favorite days ever, I get more writing material from these days than I do anything else. Here's the thing to keep in mind there is nothing wrong with a "Fuck the World" mentality, as long as it isn't an everyday thing. Learning when and how to display these feelings will make things a lot easier, also strive to be comical when you have these days. You come across as a lot less of a prick when you can make people laugh at how much you hate everything in the moment. For me personally these days are very stress relieving, I try to go to the driving range and hit golf balls because it makes me feel good to pretend I am inflicting pain upon something in order to make myself feel better. So basically between writing and hitting things with a golf club...I'm a pretty sane person. 1. Being more involved with social media than you are your social circle... Social Media was created for two reasons, in order to create and develop relationships with other people and to make money, but when you are more involved with your social media then you are with your circle of friends then you need a serious reality check. There is more to life then what you ate for dinner, how many miles you ran, or your new relationship status that changes every 3 months. Life is about what is outside of technology, not what is only directly in front of you. Trust me seeing the landmarks and natural wonders of the world with your own eyes will always be better then seeing pictures of them or using Google street view. Life is about moving yourself away from whats easy and challenging yourself both mentally and physically in order to grow and develop as a human being. To live is to love, to suffer, to stress, to relax, to feel, to touch, taste and smell. Life is quite simply all about our experiences, and how over time like any great artist, those experiences, shape and mold us into the people we are. You don't have to be important to do something important. This is something I realized when I started this whole journey, I kept hearing how great it was that I battled within the system on my own and was successful. The reality is I'm just a normal guy, I'm not anything more now then I was 1, 2 or even 5 years ago, except maybe a little wiser. The fact is that your importance is the same as your value and your happiness, they all depend upon you. How important to you want to be? For me this wasn't about recognition it was about doing the right thing, my importance depended heavily upon my own success. It's pretty cut and dry. I didn't want to do this to get recognized or appreciated, I did what I thought I had to do, what I thought was necessary. Doing something important can mean a variety of things but here and now, my intention with the comment is to imply that your kids will find small thing important. Going out to dinner, taking them out of school for the day in order to go to the zoo or a movie, these things mean the world to them. Sometimes it's even simpler than that. I can think of one time where I took my son to see the Hampden lights in Baltimore city right before Christmas, it's actually a lot of fun to walk that solitary city block when it is fully lit up. We drove around the downtown area, ate some junk food and we simply just talked. Nothing really special to me, but to him it meant the world. He wouldn't stop talking about it for weeks on end. Finding these moments to make your children feel important, in turn makes you important. You are already in most cases one of the most important people in their lives, but taking that extra step to show them that you care, that life is more than just about the necessities. Our roles as fathers can be muddled sometimes, we are expected to provide and no one really sees much beyond that. It's important to step outside that label and exceed expectations, it's vital to your children's growth for you to see the world through their eyes, even if it's only for a minute. So be important, in your own way, strive to show these future leaders of the world that the business of grown-up life can be put on pause to actually enjoy the world. You will promote a sense of pride within them and this will carry on into their own children's lives one day, besides nothing feels better then hearing the words "remember that time..." and the rest isn't negative. The things that will matter to us most at the end of our time here on earth is our relationships with other people, so why wait until the end to appreciate what you had all along? Museum of Natural History, Washington DC Oceans, dinosaurs, cavemen...your kids will go nuts!!! Cost: Free for all! Luray Caverns, Luray VA Who wouldn't love to explore underground caverns, best part about this place is that it is open year round. Cost: Adults $24 Kids over 6 $12 Kids under 6 free Boomerang Pirate Ship NW Washington DC The price is fairly steep for what you get, but come on it's a freaking pirate ship. Cost: $20 per person for 1 hour tour Terrapin Adventures Savage MD Rope swings, Ziplines, climbing walls...all the obstacles you need to tire those kids out. Plus the staff is really friendly and puts safety over everything else. Very pricey but it's an all day event. Cost: Terrapin Challenge $80.00 per person must be at least 8 years old and 70lbs or heavier. Other packages can be bought check out their site at; http://www.terrapinadventures.com/ That Bounce Place Reisterstown MD This place is great for all ages, they even have special days for smaller kids so there is no issue with intimidation. Slides, obstacle courses and multiple bounce areas give kids an endless supply of fun time! Cost: M-F day time $6.95 per kid for 4 hours Friday night-Sunday $8.95 per kid for 2 hours Maryland Science Center Baltimore MD This is my personal favorite, it's a great way to teach your kids without them realizing they are learning. The exhibits constantly change but they include everything from space, to dinosaurs and even games you can play together. Cost: Basic ticket prices include exhibits, planetarium, and demo stage You can add an IMAX feature for only $4 more per person Adults $18.95 Kids over 3 $15.95 Kids under 3 Free My favorite sayings and what they mean... There are so many of these we are going to keep this one going. What was said: Maybe What you meant: Maybe not What your kids heard: YES! What was said: We might go. What you meant: We're probably not going. What your kids heard: We're definitely going! What was said: Clean your room. What you meant: Clean your room now. What your kids heard: I hate you! What was said: Time for bed. What you meant: Go to bed. What your kids heard: I hate you! What was said: I'm busy. What you meant: Just give me a minute. What your kids heard: Keep asking, I'll definitely give in if you keep asking. What was said: No What you meant: NO! What your kids heard: Ask again later. What was said: Inside voices. What was meant: Please for the love of God be quiet! What your kids heard: I can't hear you... What was said: Stop it. What was meant: Don't do that! What your kids heard: Again! Again! #10 The Facebook Like button. You just wrote the most honest, deepest, and revealing thing you ever could, you're almost too afraid to post it to Facebook, but you do it anyway. You know that all your friends and family are going to absolutely look at you in a whole new light after this. You wait until the day is over and log back in to see what everyone said...and there is not a single comment...just 53 likes. C'mon people liking a post is the equivalent of someone coming to you and saying "Oh My God, I'm getting married!" and you response is a shrug of the shoulders and a muttered "ehhh". #9 Ketchup Water You have to be kidding me right, how has modern science not found a way to eliminate that nasty red drainage from the top of the ketchup bottle... As an avid ketchup user nothing is more disgusting to me then when I go to put ketchup on my hamburger bun and the bread soaks up that nasty residue faster than a sponge could. Thanks ketchup if you weren't so delicious I would probably give you a piece of my mind. #8 Bank ropes Nothing says "you're a hamster" more than that endless rope path at the bank when there are no customers ahead of you. Straight than left, than straight, than right, than straight, than left again... Heaven forbid you just walk to the front every teller in the place will remove their oxygen tanks and snarl those crusty old lips at you for failing to follow protocol! #7 "Selfies" Wow...just wow, have we become so narcissistic in our lives that the only person capable of taking a good picture of ourselves is ourselves? Seriously you don't have a single friend that would be willing to take a picture of you? How about the two girl selfies? How about one of you take the picture for the other one...it's just a matter of time before you bang your friend's boyfriend and she crops you out of the photo anyway...Oh an guys seriously put a shirt on, trust me no matter how good a shape you are in any woman worthwhile doesn't gauge her response to you based on the number of abs you have, or the lack of chest hair. Just everyone...put the fucking camera down please! #6 Stupid Girls Every dumb dating profile everywhere has stupid girls saying..."I'm sarcastic" this is stupid girl for..."I'm a bitch". Sorry! Now before backlash reaches out and smacks me let me clarify. It says stupid girls, as in only girls who are stupid. Not all of you, if you get offended than...you're probably stupid. Seriously wipe that duck face expression off your face before your wife beater wearing tribal tattoo covered boyfriend comes and smacks it off of you before he than apologizes and tell you how much he loves you. Ladies, when guys say they want a chick that laughs...he means at his jokes. Here's the thing, to guys, most women aren't funny, sure we're laughing because somewhere deep down inside of us we hope there is a point in time inside your brain you will have this conversation... "He's okay, but I don't think I like him. However he did laugh at my jokes so I should probably get naked and let him do bad things to me now." Ninety nine percent of the time....that's the only reason we laughed. #5 Airing your dirty laundry on social media This is one of the few times I actually like #10. Here's the thing, it's your business, so when you air it out there for everyone to see or read about be prepared for snarky comments from me among others. We don't care that your man/woman cheated on you, nobody here is going to pretend to notice that your family sucks. It's called life, suck it up and move on. If it gets that difficult don't post shit online about it, buy a fucking helmet! I'm sure when the two guys who invented the internet sees stupid shit like "I can't take it anymore" or "This bitch is crazy" they just fucking pats themselves on the back for a job well done. I'm surprised they haven't committed suicide by now with all the bullshit people use the internet for. Facebook, Twitter, Insta-gram...these sites weren't created as a virtual journal for you, believe it or not we can all see your posts, so just know...you've been warned! #4 Slow Walkers/ Gawkers Whether in the mall, on the sidewalk, in the park or in any store ever...you've come across the Slow Walker/Gawker. This is the person who seems to not be in a rush. Clearly they know they are holding up foot traffic, so either they are ignorant or they just don't care...either way you can't say that when this happens you don't feel like slapping them in the back of their heads and pointing to in front of them and screaming for everyone to hear "FUCKING MOVE." Now there are reasonable exceptions to this rule, if your older, or a child, or...lets face it Asian. Okay I'm sorry for the Asian thing but come on...it's kind of true. Than again if I was walking through downtown Bejing they would probably be ready to rip my head off too. Just keep up people, if you notice that people are passing you move yourself to the slow lane. #3 Being rude to service industry people Hey I got news for you, in some of these higher end restaurants these servers and bartenders can make upwards of 80k a year. Most of them are putting themselves through college to become doctors, lawyers and scientists. Just because their mommy and daddy couldn't afford to send them through college on their own doesn't give your silver spoon fed mouth the right to treat them like garbage. Truth be told some of them hate you more than you hate them. Besides the last person you really want to piss off is the person who is touching the food or drinks you are going to put in your mouth. So even if they suck at their job be nice, and if the person is horrible at their job than 10% is sufficient, but be fucking nice, at the end of the day they are still a person. #2 Pressing "1" for English So last time I checked I still live in America, so please explain this one to me. If I live in a country where English is the native language than why is it a choice? I would understand better if it was like "If you need to hear this is Spanish press 2" or any other language/ number combination. I also understand that America is a melting pot of a lot of different cultures, but guess what? Most countries at some point or another were also, the point of a national language is for us all to use it. I know quite a few people who don't have a full comprehension of the English language because they either just immigrated or moved here. They try though, I mean come on how ignorant is it to think "I'm going to move to another country and force them to cater to me." That's ridiculous. Oh and Sanjit...I know your fucking name is Ben, you know how I know? Because you can't even say the word BEN!!! If I press English I want to talk to someone who has English skills as their first language, not their secondary language. Credit card companies are the worst offenders, my solution I ask the call center employee what country they are in and when it comes time to pay my bill, I'm going to the currency exchange and getting that currency and mailing it in with my payment stub...Fuck you Citibank!...lol. #1 The obvious observer We all know this person very well, it's that one friend that says the most incredibly obvious thing all the time, or asks the most obvious questions. You come inside from outside soaked, they say "Is it raining?" They are the most oblivious person even to their most ignorant statements. The reason this is the most annoying thing? Because they always seem to be there at the worst possible time. When you're already in a bad mood, or the weather sucks, or things just aren't going your way. They send the "Are you okay?" text and when you respond they ignore you. They ask if your feeling better when you tell everyone your not feeling well, they let you know they aren't coming to your party the day after it happened. These people are the very reason why life becomes more unbearable to deal with on a daily basis. |
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